We Should Have Quarantine Christmas Trees

During this extended bout of quarantine it has occurred to me that what I truly lack is not hobbies, entertainment, or contact with my friends. What I need is more stuff to look at.

I’ve been looking at the same things for weeks. I look at my computer, my phone, my TV, the cheap pieces of art above my TV, the weird small wart on my cat’s nose, the gray hairs on my foster dog’s snout when I smash my face into her cheek and just leave it there for several minutes. Mostly the computer, though.

I want new stuff to look at! That’s the basic premise of going out into the world, right? To see some stuff. Oooh, a cloud. Cool flowers! I like that rock. I still take the occasional long walk, but the constant thrum of anxiety that comes with being out and about makes it hard to enjoy looking at things.

What I am saying is this: I need something new and fun to look at inside my apartment. What I need, what we all need, is a Christmas tree.

I’m a little sicko about Christmas, so I surely find the idea of having a Christmas tree in my home in April more appealing than the average person would, but hear me out.

Think about what a Christmas tree actually is. It’s a tree that’s inside, yes, but really it’s a nice treat for your senses. It smells nice! You walk into the room where it’s kept and you’re greeted by that fresh, damp smell only found in the forest. It feels nice! You walk by it and absentmindedly stroke one of the branches and think soft. Most importantly, it looks nice. All the lights and ornaments mixed with those green and brown hues–it’s an object specifically designed to be pleasingly caught in your peripheral vision throughout the day.

What better time to have such a thing inside the home in which you are indefinitely trapped? Picture this: You are sitting on your couch watching some dumb shit on your TV. It’s getting dark and you are thinking about how much getting up to make dinner is going to suck. It’s been this way for weeks. Ah, but wait, you remember something. You reach for the light switch on the wall just over your shoulder, and you flick it. Suddenly a pop of light and warmth appears in the corner of your left eye. You look over and there it is: your Christmas tree. You turn back to the TV, heartened to know that something else is in the room with you, and it’s nice to look at.

The government should give us all $2,000 a month until there is a vaccine for COVID-19 and free healthcare for the rest of our lives. Once they have done that they should give every American a free Christmas tree.