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Stefan Fatsis

January 31, 2020

Make Your Queso With A Cheap Block Of Processed Cheese, You Cowards

Everyone knows that Big Game Sunday is the best day of the year to eat dip. There are many fancy dips–artichoke dip, onion dip, bean dip–which can be made infinitely better by adding fancy ingredients, using a recipe concocted by your favorite Instagram chef, and salting appropriately. Under absolutely zero circumstances should you engage in any of this malarkey while making queso.

It is currently very trendy to make trashy, delicious food more delicious by hamming it up with all kinds of expensive ingredients. Claire Saffitz has a whole damn show dedicated to spending 42 hours in the test kitchen turning $17 worth of cheese into gourmet cheetos, or whatever. Sure, you could make your own version of Coca Cola that doesn’t taste like science, but that sensation of unreal sweetness filling your mouth is the whole point of indulging in a Coke.

I do appreciate this transition towards culinary excellence. I too love to spend far too long making a whole chicken or making my pasta by hand even though there are perfectly good pastas you can buy in a box. That’s because that effort leads to a pay off. When you appropriately brine and salt and slow roast a chicken, you are rewarded with a chicken that is much much better than one of those pre-cooked deals you can grab off the supermarket shelf. This is not true when it comes to queso.

I went to a party a few weeks ago and the host had put out what looked like good queso, but had fancy cheddar in it and it was ALL CLUMPY. That’s because she tried too hard. I am from Texas and I know that the key to good queso is that it needs to be smooth, creamy, spicy, and delicious. The key to making a perfect queso is to suck it up and use a big gross block of Velveeta cheese. You deserve it.

Here is how you make perfect queso:

  • You buy a block of Velveeta
  • You buy a can of Rotel diced tomatoes and grilled chiles (I like the spicy one)
  • You melt the Velveeta on your stove (or in a microwave)
  • You add as much of the can of Rotel as you desire.
  • You season with salt and you eat it.

THE END. That’s it. No more nine-step recipes. No more melting Monterey Jack and adding cornstarch. The whole point of queso is that it should be a delicious, easy, indulgent treat. You can use the time you save making Velveeta queso on another more complicated dip. Go hog wild on a buffalo chicken dip that takes four hours to make. See if I care.

January 31, 2020 9:40 am
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109 Comments

  1. F44444 says:

    Godspeed

    January 31, 2020 — 9:41 am

  2. nomsemnse says:

    YOU’RE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT

    January 31, 2020 — 9:42 am

  3. la veeta loca says:

    when you’re right you’re right

    January 31, 2020 — 9:43 am

  4. OldManInSeattle says:

    Velveeta is the greatest food. Grown in a lab to give you everything you crave. You can not escape it. Give in to your feelings and let the goo flow…

    January 31, 2020 — 9:46 am

  5. Hit Bull Win Steak says:

    Cracker Barrel Sharp Cheddar or GTFO!

    January 31, 2020 — 9:46 am

  6. witty username says:

    What is velveeta?

    January 31, 2020 — 9:48 am

  7. Sam's Anonymous Burner says:

    My favorite queso is simple: 1lb spicy sausage, 2 8oz packages of cream cheese, and a can of rotel. Cook the sausage up beforehand to get rid of some of the grease, then mix with the rest. You add in some dry chill flakes to make it spicier. Delicious.

    January 31, 2020 — 9:48 am

  8. Ad Nauseam says:

    Or add a can of hormel chili with or without beans to your veleeta. Maybe not true quest but stop damn good

    January 31, 2020 — 9:49 am

  9. MrFunsockz says:

    Is there anything more depressing than “Oh we already have Queso”, you get your tastebuds and hopes up, and then it’s some chunky, poorly mixed, fancy garbage?
    Trash food is supposed to be made with trash ingredients.

    January 31, 2020 — 9:50 am

  10. brokentoasterkid says:

    I can’t tell if these are tears of joy about my new fabulous queso or about having an Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog to comment on.

    January 31, 2020 — 9:52 am

  11. NightElfMohawk says:

    > queso
    > had fancy cheddar in it

    No. NO. Even if you choose to go against the greater advice here and not use Velveeta, whatever you do in bad experimentations with queso, for the love of all that’s holy in the borderlands, do NOT even try to get fancy cheddar in there. Christ almighty, some people…

    January 31, 2020 — 9:52 am

  12. RMJ=H says:

    can I use velveeta mac and cheese packets if that is all I have

    January 31, 2020 — 9:57 am

    • VELVEETA MAC DADDY says:

      Bruh. You can just snip off the corner and squeeze that goodness right onto your chips!

      January 31, 2020 — 10:33 am

      • Dangerously Cheesy says:

        Or just cut out the middle man entirely and squeeze that gooey cheeseness right into your mouth. Très magnifique.

        January 31, 2020 — 2:25 pm

  13. Fritz Shnackenpfefferhausen says:

    The Velveeta + Rotel recipe is generally correct, but you should also consider tossing in little (or a lot of) cumin, chili powder, and cayenne. Ups the spiciness level without requiring anything too fancy. Throwing in a can of chili, as others suggest, is also acceptable.

    January 31, 2020 — 9:59 am

  14. Chris ACU says:

    Jesus, YES. This is good queso, that doesn’t get all soupy or turn into a cheese sauce because you fucked up the proportions. If I’m feeling fancy, I’ll add some venison seasoned with taco powder.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:01 am

    • NightElfMohawk says:

      You just reminded me that I get to have my father-in-law’s venison queso on Sunday and that made me so happy.

      January 31, 2020 — 10:03 am

    • Werewolves Rancheros says:

      Where do you get taco powder?

      Is it a “just add water” kind of thing?

      January 31, 2020 — 2:24 pm

  15. Chris says:

    Louder for the people in the back.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:01 am

  16. Diane says:

    I thought Queso was the yellow stuff in the Doritos jar but then I married a Texan and yes, Velveeta + Rotel is the only true queso.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:07 am

  17. Diminishing Skills says:

    This is why God, and the world, hate America.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:09 am

  18. Matt says:

    This is the velveeta dip we’ve made for decades. It’s sublime:

    (usually doubled)
    1 tube Jimmy Dean Sausage – Hot
    1 lb hamburger
    3 oz Velveeta (3″ or more if you like, and I always go more)
    1 can Cambell’s nacho cheese soup
    12 oz med. Picante sauce, or whatever size the jar is
    1/2 cup milk
    1 can mushrooms (I usually omit, but you do you)
    1 large onion chopped

    Brown and drain meet & onions. Melt in Velveeta, soup, mushrooms, milk and sauce. Simmer 10-15 minutes.

    Enjoy.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:10 am

  19. Bald Headed Scallywag says:

    Rotel dip or gordos or GTFO

    January 31, 2020 — 10:10 am

  20. mharvey816 says:

    Goddamn right.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:15 am

  21. jennifer says:

    the only correct method!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:17 am

  22. Kinja 3: The Domination says:

    One block of Velveeta and one can of Ranch Style Black Beans, in the slow cooker. That’s it. You’re welcome.
    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51EfrCcBtBL._AC_SY400_.jpg

    January 31, 2020 — 10:20 am

  23. Keva Rosenberg says:

    I make queso from the closest thing you can get to government cheese.

    My landlord is this old decrepit dude on a fixed income, and his church is always dropping off food so he doesn’t die and become a meal for his cats. He always has too much, and keeps offering it to me. The only things I accept are the store-brand Rice Krispies and fake Velveeta.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:20 am

  24. Tony Thunder says:

    I follow roughly the same M.O. but I cut it with a little bit of the good stuff to make it look like I tried..

    January 31, 2020 — 10:21 am

  25. Skunk Truck says:

    Sport Lady and Cheese! Yay!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:23 am

  26. corbin says:

    You are very very correct on this. Its good because its unhealthy, you have to be fancy with healthy food to make it good.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:26 am

  27. Aaron says:

    There was an amazing documentary made about Velveeta in 80s. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE6Z1nBqLwo

    January 31, 2020 — 10:26 am

  28. Kaitlyn says:

    My queso is basically just Step 1, repeat. Stop ruining the queso with your other nonsense.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:28 am

    • Kaitlyn says:

      And if your SO gets on you about needing to eat “real food,” just throw it some noodles. Boom! Mac and cheese.

      January 31, 2020 — 10:30 am

  29. taco mike says:

    This take is as warm and cozy as the queso itself. I miss this

    January 31, 2020 — 10:29 am

  30. I Love Big Boobs (.)(.) says:

    as a fellow texan, this is a good and accurate recipe. it’s supposed to be a cheese dip that is terrible for you!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:36 am

  31. David T says:

    Yes – this is the true, but add milk when you melt the velveeta (don’t heat it up too fast, the milk will curdle) or else when it cools it will just become solid velveeta again

    January 31, 2020 — 10:36 am

  32. Champion CanadaMan says:

    My one small tweak to this otherwise perfect recipe: drain the Rotel to make the queso less runny and more likely to stay on the tortilla chip.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:38 am

  33. Ben says:

    I’m with you up until the adding more salt. Holy God, it’s made from velveeta and your utensil is going to be a Tostito. Given how much I’m also drinking, I really don’t need to add extra salt to my dehydration situation.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:43 am

  34. th desoto says:

    If only were it that easy to convince the wife of this, the one true queso path

    January 31, 2020 — 10:44 am

  35. DogShapedBanana says:

    What if you don’t live in a country with Velveeta

    January 31, 2020 — 10:47 am

  36. Brent Rose says:

    After this I think Kraft would offer to sponsor Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog for a good solid month or two if it weren’t for this group’s history of (correct) Patriots takes.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:52 am

  37. Houstondude says:

    This is the only correct take.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:53 am

  38. Lux Ferre says:

    Yes!! Queso should be a celebration of cheap and unhealthy!!!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:54 am

  39. darrone says:

    SODIUM CITRATE. it’s like a salt, you throw a couple pinches into beer or water or stock, you throw in shredded cheese and it’s as smooth as Velveeta, CAUSE THATS WHAT THEY MAKE VELVEETA WITH. Any cheese you want. Cheddar, gouda, feta, blue cheese, parmesan, whatever. Smooth as silk.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:00 am

    • Whynotsharks says:

      This, so much this. I’m going to grate like 5lbs of various cheeses and add an 50 grams of sodium citrate and it’s delicious and gooey even at room temperature.

      January 31, 2020 — 6:02 pm

    • Mr. McGibblets says:

      This. It’s just so easy. The hardest part is having to shred the cheese yourself.

      ~300g Pepper Jack (or any cheese/s)
      11g Sodium Citrate (cheap on amazon)
      1 cup water/beer

      heat the liquid to near boiling, add cheese a handful at a time while stirring, eat.

      January 31, 2020 — 6:26 pm

    • Dan says:

      Yep, a friend told me about this a few years ago and I am now much, much fatter for knowing it.

      February 1, 2020 — 1:42 am

  40. Wade says:

    #I would die for Claire from the bon appetit test kitchen but also for the unnamed temporary sports blog

    #IWDFCFTBATKBAFTUTSB

    January 31, 2020 — 11:01 am

  41. Drew's polo says:

    I couldn’t think of a better way to fuck off at work the Friday before the BIG GAME.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:02 am

  42. Chris says:

    1 block Velvetta
    2 lbs ground beef
    1 can diced green chiles
    1 bottle hot taco sause

    cook the meat, then throw everything into the crock pot,
    stir till fully melted.

    eat
    hate yourself for eating all of it during the ‘Big Game”
    destroy toilet.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:02 am

  43. queso says:

    Queso
    1 Yellow Onion finely chopped
    7-8 Serrano peppers chopped
    Velveeta
    Half a can of Picante Hot Salsa

    Saute the onion and peppers add to crock pot and go grab another beer

    January 31, 2020 — 11:05 am

  44. Kevin says:

    Known coward here heeding said advice.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:05 am

  45. jayedcoins says:

    This is absolutely correct, with one small exception — this exact recipe, with a little chorizo cooked up in a skillet on the stove, is very good and dope.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:11 am

  46. Brian M says:

    I mean if you want go super easy, just buy the damn Tostitos cheese. And if you wanna be fancy get the white cheese!

    January 31, 2020 — 11:28 am

  47. Duckstyle187 says:

    Am I the sane person that thinks Velveeta queso is tasteless garbage food?

    January 31, 2020 — 11:40 am

  48. Temporary Screen Name says:

    The fire-roasted Ro-tel and the HEB queso blanco fuckin whip

    January 31, 2020 — 11:46 am

  49. KoolWhp says:

    Yes. FUCK YES.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:52 am

  50. PossibleCabbage says:

    Here’s how I’m gonna make my queso:
    1) Measure 265ml of Pacifico in a pot. Whisk in 11g of Sodium Citrate
    2) Bring to a Simmer
    3) Gradually add 4 cups of Cotija (you can use any cheese that will melt, but I like Cotija here) and combine with an immersion blender.

    This will stay liquid at room temperature and keep for like a week. If I wanted chunks in my liquid cheese I would probably fry some chopped corn, with some chiles and make elotes dip.

    January 31, 2020 — 12:08 pm

  51. verygoodboy says:

    1 lb Spicy Jimmy Dean
    1 block Velveeta
    1 can spicy Rotel
    If you are truly blessed, one bad Calidad brand tortilla chips

    January 31, 2020 — 12:16 pm

    • Bimmergal says:

      OMG I discovered Calidad chips at Target a few months ago. Best bagged tortilla chips I’ve ever had. I have 3 bags in the pantry, I think I’m making queso tomorrow.

      February 1, 2020 — 10:27 pm

  52. JoJo says:

    Excellent

    January 31, 2020 — 12:19 pm

  53. JSpan is a Herb says:

    NEVER “just stick to sports”
    This is the sports-adjacent content that I’ve missed.
    Thank you

    January 31, 2020 — 12:23 pm

  54. lanboyo says:

    If you are lazier than that, just melt it, add half a jar of pace hot (red lid) picante and call it done.

    Make nachos as follows.
    Arrange a bag of whole restarant style corn chips on whatever oven safe thing you are gonna serve them on.
    Shred a bar of good extra sharp cheddar, recommend cabots.
    Chop up whatever veggies you want on them, jalapenos best but I’m not your dad. Green and red peppers fine to. Little bit of onions or chopped olives. Whatever. It isn’t a salad.
    Half jar of pace hot picante, can of refried beans in a saucepan. cook til bubbling.
    Preheat oven to broil.
    — Point of no return —
    dump the hot salsa/refried beans on the chips. Spread it out a bit.
    — You are in a hurry now. Chips are getting soggy.
    spread the cheddar so it covers the beans and all over the chips.
    Dump the vegies over the cheese. Hurry.
    Put the plate or baking pan with the chips in the oven.
    Only gonna be a minute or two… When the cheese is melted take them out and eat them in the damn kitchen. They want nachos they can make their own.

    January 31, 2020 — 12:42 pm

  55. Fiona the Hippo says:

    I once tried to make a fancy white queso and it turned out like chunky butt, so I am 100% behind this.

    January 31, 2020 — 1:22 pm

  56. Werewolves Rancheros says:

    I don’t know how they do it at Torchy’s, but that mess gotta be a product of science…or witchcraft.

    Possibly both.

    Someone crack this code. Da Vinci style.

    January 31, 2020 — 2:27 pm

  57. albo says:

    Hot cheese dips rule. We’re eating this. Smoked gouda and bacon:
    https://www.pillsbury.com/recipes/smoked-gouda-and-bacon-dip/ccc649ef-f850-4b0c-a8cb-1e4a721cf821

    Use Artikaas smoked gouda if you have a choice. And skip the cayenne–doesn’t need it.

    January 31, 2020 — 2:48 pm

  58. Unnamed Temporary Comment Name says:

    Velveeta + can of chili. Microwave. Perfection.

    And then the exact same thing coming out hours later … but why not treat your bottom to the same deliciousness, no?

    January 31, 2020 — 4:01 pm

  59. Matt Thompson says:

    This is truth.

    January 31, 2020 — 6:34 pm

  60. Matt says:

    There is no need for additional salt.

    January 31, 2020 — 6:41 pm

  61. David Muccigrosso says:

    I get aspirations every once in a while to do something more inspiring…

    And then my cheapskate nature kicks in and I get velveeta instead.

    But, dammit, I don’t use the regular Rotel. Motherfucker, I get the roasted shit!

    January 31, 2020 — 8:27 pm

  62. UUDDLRLRABAB Select Start says:

    Not queso, but another easy party dip that makes you look like a hero. Box of frozen chopped spinach, small tub of cream cheese or sour cream, package of shredded cheese. Thaw spinach, add shredded cheese and microwave until melted in. Add cream cheese or sour cream. Hollow out middle of a loaf of bread, pour in dip and break bread into chunks for dipping.

    January 31, 2020 — 9:35 pm

  63. BlueDogCollar says:

    This the perfect chip dip recipe too:

    Chop up some green onions. Throw away the little rooty part first, dammit. Wash them first too, you barbarian.

    Mix into some sour cream.

    Few shakes of salt.

    You’re done. Nobody will say no to this.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:55 pm

  64. Grape Ape says:

    Can I add chorizo, or will that make me an insufferable snob? Also, NEVER LEAVE US AGAIN WE’RE IN HELL

    February 1, 2020 — 12:46 am

  65. LongbowMkII says:

    Have you seen the price of velveeta lately? You’re practically saving money using fancy cheese

    February 1, 2020 — 9:17 am

  66. DC3 says:

    Ahhh…. you’re SO close. Add a can of cream of mushroom soup to the Rotel and the Velveeta and the texture/viscosity hits the sweet spot. For a kick, add a couple of tablespoons of adobo sauce from a can of chipotle peppers and you’re in queso nirvana.

    For GOD MODE, brown up a tubular package of Jimmy Dean hot breakfast sausage and mix in.

    February 1, 2020 — 12:38 pm

  67. Stef Schrader says:

    Bless this take. I want to try a fancier recipe for fun, but for feeding the masses, there’s really no substitute for processed melting cheese and some kind of pepper/tomato mix. Add beer, meat or extra chiles if you feel fancy, but there’s nothing wrong with whipping out Ol’ Reliable.

    February 1, 2020 — 2:48 pm

  68. Smokey says:

    There are no words to describe how disturbed I was when I had Chipotle’s queso for the first time. It’s just this weird, white dip that has this weird, gritty mouthfeel.

    Queso should be exactly as you described. It’s trash cheese meant to be scooped by trash chips. The less we know about what goes into a block of velveeta or store brand cheese, the better.

    February 1, 2020 — 3:08 pm

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