The NFL draft has always been objectively one of the more stupid spectacles on the sports calendar. Even those who consider themselves real freaks for the event, the people who spend the preceding weeks consuming as many mock drafts as possible, can’t help but admit the truth to themselves once the first round nears its end.
Last night could have been different, though. With just about every sports fan in America desperate for some small crumb of live sports-adjacent content to nibble on, the NFL began the night with about as much unearned goodwill in its pocket as it could ever hope for. And what did it do with all that goodwill? It made us sit there and watch Roger Goodell stroke himself.
First we got an achingly overwrought intro narrated by Peyton Manning, who told us that the this year’s draft is a shining beacon of hope for all Americans, or something. Then we got Goodell’s fireside chat, during which he did what he always does: attach himself and the league, remora-like, to whatever vague notions of civic goodwill he can find and suck away until those vague notions become representative of the NFL and its interests.
Last night was nothing more than a branding opportunity seized with great vigor. You were meant to come away from all that soft narration and saluting of first responders with the understanding that the NFL is now the official league of Helping Us Heal During This Pandemic. Just as you were previously meant to understand that the NFL was the official league of Supporting Our Brave Troops, and Supporting Our Brave Women, and Supporting Our Brave Social Justice Advocates.
The irony of the NFL making uniquely eager sports fans sit through nearly 20 minutes of self-hagiography before actually giving them what they desperately wanted will likely never penetrate the league office. No sports league in history has never been more convinced of its own importance, or of its unique status not as an entertainment product, but as a civic institution.
The trouble is that the league will only be more emboldened to congratulate itself the more captive its audience becomes. Somewhere around the 12th minute of last night’s onanistic draft introduction, I convinced myself that I was disgusted enough to change the channel. I didn’t, of course, because what else was I going to watch? And besides, I wanted to see what Matt Patricia’s living room looked like.
Eric says:
“sports fans sit through nearly 20 minutes of self-hagiography”
Did Drew Brees do a 20 minute monologue?
April 24, 2020 — 9:05 am
Bernadette says:
The NFL: Everything to Everyone.
April 24, 2020 — 9:11 am
ChazMichaelMichaels says:
Glad you guys are back. Hopefully the name of this blog changes to the unnamed permanent sports blog. cheers.
April 24, 2020 — 9:16 am
Ryan says:
I’m going to count myself lucky to be a Lions fan for the first time in my life. The first pick should have been made by 8:05. I think it was 8:30 before that happened and the Bengals burned up 7 or 8 minutes of clock just to let the networks roll tape.
I was able to turn the whole thing off by 9pm. I feel bad for Drew. The Vikings traded down making him wait even longer.
April 24, 2020 — 9:22 am
DetroitDumbGuy says:
Lions fan here also. I was hoping against hope they’d take Tua or trade back (once Young was inevitably taken at 2). Then they did the most Lions thing possible and took a goddamn CB at 3. My wife laughed at me bitching for 30 seconds before we put something more interesting on.
As you said, the only silver lining was that I didn’t have to watch it for very long…
April 24, 2020 — 9:37 am
Hit Bull Win Steak says:
In the past the Lions used to just be grossly incompetent, now with Patricia and Quinn running things (and trying to cosplay as Bill Belicheck) they’ve got this Trumpian air of being just defiantly stupid. The Okudah pick, which I agree was way too high for a CB was necessitated by MatPat fucking things up beyond repair with Slay. I’m guessing we havent seen the bottom of where this team is going.
April 24, 2020 — 9:56 am
DetroitDumbGuy says:
Sadly, I fear you are right about not seeing the bottom yet. Which is pretty astounding given this team’s history of shittiness.
April 24, 2020 — 10:07 am
Dr Emilio Lizardo says:
“…Trumpian air of being just defiantly stupid.”
That comes from Belichick. He can get away with the arrogance because he probably actually is smarter than the rest of them and at least has some success to back it up. Maybe Andy Reid could now, but he seems to treat people with respect. All the coaches that try to pull that shit without ever winning a damn thing should be fired on the spot. That goes triple for anybody who thinks they can do it because they USED to work for the Patriots.
April 24, 2020 — 12:25 pm
Julie says:
One good result was at least not having to watch the poor guys all dressed up for their big moment only to go undrafted round after round. I liked seeing the players in different environments with their people. It was sometimes confusing though exactly when they were getting the word. It didn’t seem like it was coming from the broadcast, but rather phone calls?
April 24, 2020 — 10:03 am
Darrone says:
The NFL will find a way to turn the entire month of April into the draft in our lifetimes.
April 24, 2020 — 10:41 am
Matt says:
Not to mention the national anthem! jfc
April 24, 2020 — 11:16 am
Sidebar says:
I am not embarrassed that I had to Google onanistic. I am embarrassed that I am still such a prude that I felt the need to delete my browsing history after I did. But, you know, work computer, the wife is in the next room, etc., etc. Better safe than sorry.
This week has been fun. I sincerely miss you all – contributors and commenters alike – even if my own time spent commenting on Deadspin was more onanistic than I previously would’ve admitted.
(Fucking nailed it).
April 24, 2020 — 11:27 am
DonMattinglyssideburns says:
The nfl draft was on? Since the stay at home orders—I’m in New Mexico—and actually lack of live sports event (:save wrestling which is more like performative Greek theater than anything). I honestly didn’t know. Who did the broncos pick?
April 24, 2020 — 12:29 pm
Dr. Martin van Nostrand says:
Jerry Jeudy, WR from Alabama.
April 24, 2020 — 5:02 pm
Lincolns Revenge says:
I understand giving some backstory to a player’s career and upbringing, but why are things like “his father died while on a business trip when Player X was 6 years old” shoehorned into the comments by Wingo?
April 24, 2020 — 12:30 pm
Caviar Smokeboy says:
People, and by people I mean TV producers, seem to forget that Peyton Manning sexually assaulted a female trainer back in college, fucked her out and future employment in her profession, and then silenced her with legal bullshit.
April 24, 2020 — 1:15 pm
Dave says:
Hate to break this news…but a draft isn’t an actual sport. I know people are desperate, but c’mon…
April 24, 2020 — 2:31 pm