Talkin’ The Big Game With Three Bloggers Who Are Too Good For This Shit

A bedrock belief here at Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog Dot Com is the importance of considering all viewpoints and exposing our longtime readers to the full spectrum of sports takes. This weekend you have heard plenty about The Big Game—in point of fact, everything published on this sports website has been strictly about The Big Game itself—from the various unemployed bloggers of Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog Dot Com; it seems only fair, therefore, that we present Big Game takes from our rivals and enemies, the Employed Bloggers. We have spoken to three members of this faction, chosen completely at random from the many dozens of Currently Employed Bloggers, and their Big Game takes are presented here, unedited, for your edification.

Laura “Good ‘Bad Wags'” Wagner is a media reporter, a world-renowned Spikeball athlete, and a notorious online beef haver. She spoke with Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog Dot Com from “the train” to share her thoughts on various Big Games:

Where are you currently employed as an Employed Blogger?

Vice dot com

How long have you been a Continuously Employed Blogger?

I started on Dec. 16 so I could be eligible for dang health insurance on Jan. 1. I have been doing blogging and blogging-related activities for about a month.

The RUMOR MILL says you share a virtual newsroom at Vice dot com with the vile Tim Marchman. What’s that like?

Indeed, the vile Marchman is exactly the same sicko you know and love, cheerfully foisting Blight Sox news on his unsuspecting colleagues.  

What is “Spikeball?”

Spikeball is a sport that’s sort of like inverse volleyball mixed with four square. It’s an insanely good and fun sport for insanely good and fun people. You hear it.  

Is Spikeball Season upon us?

I start bugging people to play in the park in like April when the ground dries out, but I really want to try spikeball in the snow. You’d move slower but you could also lay out for really heroic saves.

Where do you rank on the International Spikeball Leaderboard?

Can’t stand for it anymore because of I [heart emoji] and will die right now for my Spikeball and for Spikeball in general. #JustMyOpinion

Is the Spikeball Big Game as big a deal as The Big Game itself?

Spikeball Nationals did stream on twitch last year so we’ll call it a tie.

Who are you rooting for in The Big (Non-Spikeball) Game?

Chefs chefs chefs!

Please give us your prediction for The Big Game, and please show your work.

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Gabe Fernandez is a small child who works as a sports blogger and roots for the Baltimore Ravens and their cool MVP quarterback, Lamar Jackson. He graciously took time away from hugging the toilet to talk about the Employed Blogger lifestyle:

Where are you currently employed as an Employed Blogger?

The fine folks at CBS Sports are giving me money in exchange for writing words on their website.

How long have you been a Continuously Employed Blogger?

It’s been a little less than a month.

The RUMOR MILL says you woke up this morning with a bitchin’ hangover. What’s that like?

My issue is that hangovers never hit me immediately. I wake up, do some sort of business that my body is screaming about (INGEST FLUIDS THAT AREN’T TEQUILA-BASED or FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT’S BEEN 16 HOURS SINCE YOU LAST TOOK A DUMP) and then I make it back to my room with some optimism that I’ve survived. Only then when I let my guard down does the room start spinning uncontrollably, or my temples start pounding to the rhythm of a heavy metal drum solo, or just pain takes control of my body. Today was milder than most but since I don’t drink as often as I did in college every time I’m in this position feels like absolute hell. Looking forward to these only getting worse as I age!

What is your most reliable hangover cure?

It’s weird to call this my “most reliable” since I’ve really only used it once or twice but menudo has been a miracle cure the times I’ve had it the morning after an evening of debauchery. It’s a Mexican soup with beef tripe in it and that sucker really absorbs the hell out of every toxin in your body. Since there aren’t many places that deliver that dish, I usually settle for some dish with rice in it.

How should your current employer feel about the fact that you have a reliable hangover cure?

Well, I think I talked about resourcefulness in my interview…

My sources say the Baltimore Ravens are not in The Big Game. In what way does being reminded of that fact augment the hangover experience?

First of all, eat shit. The crippling depression that comes from alcohol taking all the dopamine in your body and flushing it down the toilet has returned in full force. 

Who are you rooting for in The Big Game?

It’s a hard choice! Modern Chiefs games generally suck because one minute you’ll watch Mahomes close his eyes and sling a precise 50-yard bomb while both of his cleats are somehow tied together, and the next minute either a) you realize that pass landed perfectly in the arms of Tyreek Hill, or b) the camera cuts to a cheering KC crowd with some white dude in his 50’s rocking some serious Native American headgear and war paint. The other side is a Bay Area team (no), that is seeking redemption for the most recent Super Bowl they lost (which was against the Ravens so, again, no), and with the star of the most talented part of their team salivating at the thought of bringing the Lombardi trophy to the Big Wet President. Also, George Kittle looks like someone whose parents conceived him listening to P.O.D. Guess I’ll be rooting for Mahomes to get a ring to usher in the Post-Brady era.

Please give us your prediction for The Big Game, and please show your work.

I think Andy Reid’s team is better set up to counteract any potential major mental mistakes that their coach might commit than Kyle Shanahan’s team is. Mahomes is smart enough to take over clock management if Reid decides to freeze on that part of the game again. Jimmy G seems like someone who’d keep throwing despite having a late lead because his coach told him to. Chiefs 24-23.

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Dom Cosentino is a reasonably well-adjusted grownup apart from his unhealthy and frankly off-putting appreciation for the Pittsburgh Steelers. He works as an NFL reporter and was doing wholesome family things ahead of tonight’s Big Game, before he was rudely interrupted by this interview:

Where are you currently employed as an Employed Blogger?

I’m currently employed as an Employed Blogger by the Blog Employer known as theScore.com. Shameless plug alert: We have an app. It’s called theScore. It contains scores, betting info, and some good blogs.

How long have you been a Continuously Employed Blogger?

Since early December, or about one month after the death of the blog that preceded the Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog dot com.

The RUMOR MILL says you recently attended a hockey game with several vile unemployed bloggers and also your adorable child. What was that like?

I’m willing to go on the record to confirm what’s been banging around the RUMOR MILL. My son and I did indeed recently attend Canucks-Islanders in Brooklyn with several vile unemployed bloggers. A few hundred people dressed as hockey officials were also on-hand, for some reason. It honestly was about as good a time as can be had while watching the Islanders. To see the several vile unemployed bloggers was okay, I guess.  But it was my son’s first live hockey game, and he got to eat popcorn and ice cream and to wear the oversized Islanders Hawaiian shirt that was part of the fan giveaway. He also had a grand ol’ time doing the fans’ post-goal chants. He was bummed the Isles lost, and I’m honestly a little worried he might actually start to like the Islanders. I want him to grow up to think for himself, but rooting for the Islanders is something I might have to discourage. Not because I give a rat’s ass about the Islanders, mind you; I just love my son and I wouldn’t want him to go through life like that.

You hear more and more these days that the New York Jets are, in fact, pure crud. Is this true?

Yes.

Why are the New York Jets pure crud?

I’ll just leave this right here:

Still the most revealing words written about the Jets in the last 20 years. https://t.co/DKyW4GgfTJ

— Dom Cosentino (@domcosentino) October 22, 2019

What are some first steps the New York Jets can take to become non-crud?

Step one would be for Adam Gase to trip and fall down a well. Step two would be for Woody Johnson to decide he’d rather make paper airplanes with his brother for the rest of eternity.

Will the New York Jets ever play in The Big Game during my lifetime?

My most optimistic assessment is that it’ll happen before the Knicks win the NBA championship.

Who are you rooting for in The Big Game?

The Chiefs. I love watching Patrick Mahomes play football, and I’m honestly pulling for Andy Reid to finally win a title. Which of course means he probably won’t. Also, the completely irrational, selfish-ass Steelers fan in me doesn’t want to see the 49ers win the Super Bowl for a sixth time; it’s bad enough the Steelers already have to share the distinction of six Super Bowls with the stupid Patriots; the world doesn’t need another. That’s a horrible take, I know, but I feel entitled to be an asshole about that this one time, so just let me do it. 

Please give us your prediction for The Big Game, and please show your work.

Niners, 34-30. I feel like their defense has the speed to do just enough to get a win. But if the Chiefs win just pretend I picked the Chiefs.

UPDATE: