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Here's Your 2020 Name Of The Year Bracket
Stefan Fatsis
Lauri Markkanen, Chicago Bulls

A young NBA player who is butt. (Illustration by Albert Burneko)

January 31, 2020

Here Are Some Young NBA Players Who Are Butt

Many young NBA players are springy and cool and good, such as, for example: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Luka Dončić, Trae Young, Jayson Tatum, etc. Future stars of the sport! On the other hand, many young basketball sons are sorry bozos with puke skills, fit only for the bottom of the dumpster. Below, in no particular order, is a list of some NBA youths—no rookies! Rookies are not eligible for this list—who fart rancid ass upon the hardwood.

Kevin Knox
Mikal Bridges
Miles Bridges
Grayson Allen
Josh Jackson
Lauri Markkanen
Frank Ntilikina
Mo Bamba
Troy Brown Jr.
Collin Sexton
Wendell Carter Jr.
Malik Monk
Dennis Smith Jr.
Kris Dunn
Luke Kennard
Chandler Hutchison
Josh Okogie
Anfernee Simons
TJ Leaf
Harry Giles
Justin Jackson
Caleb Swanigan
Thon Maker
Marquese Chriss
Lonnie Walker

You may now close the book on these doofuses. Thank you.

January 31, 2020 10:39 am
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144 Comments

  1. Diminishing Skills says:

    What young NBA players are not butt?

    January 31, 2020 — 10:40 am

  2. AlmightyHamSandwich says:

    Leave it to the Knicks to have three of these assholes in their ROTATION, let alone their roster.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:41 am

    • Nightelfmohawk says:

      > Thon Maker

      “THEEEE Thon Maker??”

      January 31, 2020 — 11:02 am

      • Nightelfmohawk says:

        (Damnit, that wasn’t meant to be a reply, bring back Kinja so I know what to call a commenting system I want to bitch about.)

        January 31, 2020 — 11:03 am

    • kooterfunk says:

      Players on this list represent 42.7% of minutes played for the Chicago Bulls.

      January 31, 2020 — 12:54 pm

      • Marrs96 says:

        Entire roster is currently butt. I’m still waiting for the $5 game day tickets though that I could get at a the similarly bad, 2019 White Sox.

        January 31, 2020 — 3:15 pm

      • system lord says:

        And we really should be thankful that Burneko clearly wanted to make this list fairly short or there would be at least three more Bulls on it. That Wendell Carter inclusion really hurts though, and I feel is the only glaring mistake. Any chance for an edit to swap him out for Denzel Valentine?

        February 1, 2020 — 3:28 am

  3. PopnLoads says:

    unnamedtemporarysportsblog bloggers that are butt

    Albert Burneko

    You may now close the book on these doofuses. Thank you.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:43 am

  4. CaptFamous says:

    Yes but how many of them are *ass*?

    January 31, 2020 — 10:43 am

  5. Private Equity: Protecting Legacies and Growing Together says:

    Can we make a special exception for Jordan Poole’s inclusion on this list? It’s getting late early in The City.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:44 am

  6. jamberg says:

    After months of Spurs fans clamoring for Lonnie Walker to get more playing time, I can agree with you that he is mostly butt and kinda just a fine swing guy. I don’t think he’s gonna wash out of the league in less than 5 years, but he’s not gonna be the next “where the hell did the Spurs get this all-star from again?” guy.

    Everybody else is categorically butt. I legit lol’d when Simmons said that he’d trade Marcus Smart–a real good basketball player–for Lauri Markkanen.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:45 am

    • BuryMyCandidacy@WoundedKnee says:

      Yeah, Walker is the least butt of the players on this list. The problem is the Spurs are such butt that less butt in the form of Walker is refreshing.

      January 31, 2020 — 5:47 pm

  7. DogShapedBanana says:

    You forgot Nassir Little

    January 31, 2020 — 10:46 am

  8. Beef Wennington says:

    As a Bulls fan, can I add Zach LaVine to this list? He is butt.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:47 am

    • Comment by post author

      Albert Burneko says:

      He’s on a veteran contract now, so he’s not really eligible for this list. Also I don’t think he’s butt!

      January 31, 2020 — 11:09 am

      • Beef Wennington says:

        You’re probably right. I guess he is butt in his current role as “the guy.” He would be non-butt if he was in, like, a Jamal Murray role with someone else to be “the guy.”

        January 31, 2020 — 11:13 am

    • Scott Johnson says:

      That is insane. LaVine is the only player we have who isn’t butt. He’s got no supporting cast and the worst coach in the league and is still keeping us just good enough to never get a top draft pick.

      January 31, 2020 — 12:17 pm

  9. Candy Maldanado says:

    Can there be a Let’s Remember Some Guys Who Were Butt blog?

    January 31, 2020 — 10:48 am

  10. Jack says:

    Marquese Chriss is good!!!!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:49 am

    • Tape says:

      Weird that you would proffer this easily-debunked conspiracy theory when it says right up there that he’s butt.

      January 31, 2020 — 11:26 am

    • Scoop K says:

      He can jump higher than most but the rest of his game is a turd sandwich.

      That said, he outlasted Dragan Bender, so he’s got that going for him.

      January 31, 2020 — 11:50 am

  11. Occam's Styptic Pencil says:

    I met Lauri Markkanen in Chicago last year in Fulton Market. His shoelaces were untied and he stepped on one and almost tripped. So, QED.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:49 am

  12. Remuslover says:

    Juancho Hernandomez.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:50 am

    • Spanfeller's a Herb says:

      Indeed but no one watches enough nuggets outside of Denver to confirm that Juancho is butt.

      January 31, 2020 — 11:10 am

  13. Capitalist Bone Marrow Taste Tester says:

    this is a good list

    January 31, 2020 — 10:51 am

  14. gill_zero says:

    al how we feeling about hachimura?

    January 31, 2020 — 10:53 am

    • Comment by post author

      Albert Burneko says:

      He’s a rookie so he wouldn’t be eligible for this list even if he were butt, but I don’t think he’s butt

      January 31, 2020 — 10:56 am

      • randombasketballfan says:

        Can you comment on the rumor amongst (some) Wizards fans that Hachimura lost a testicle back in December and that’s why it has taken two months for him to return action?

        January 31, 2020 — 11:16 am

        • Bort says:

          I dont know if he lost it, but he had surgery. IIRC Isaac Bonga kicked him in the junk accidentally, so it’s very Wizards.

          January 31, 2020 — 12:29 pm

      • gill_zero says:

        i was more curious how you felt as a fellow wizards fan, i am cautiously optimistic

        January 31, 2020 — 1:29 pm

  15. Vern Luhrman says:

    Damyean Dotson is toilet.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:53 am

  16. French Canadian Montana says:

    Andrew Wiggins status as no longer butt is a shocking turnaround.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:53 am

    • Tommy 'Buster' Douglas says:

      Is it possible that he has been in the league long enough to just have aged off the list? He’s nearly 25 now. He might still be butt.

      January 31, 2020 — 10:57 am

      • I Love Big Boobs (.)(.) says:

        i don’t think wiggins is butt per se. it’s just an issue of expectations and his contract. he’d be a great 4th starter on your team, but he’s just not a #1 or #2 guy.

        January 31, 2020 — 11:01 am

      • French Canadian Montana says:

        Yeah, that appears to be the case. Bert has confirmed that Wiggins status remains butt.

        January 31, 2020 — 11:03 am

        • Cryptkeeper Al Davis says:

          Karl Anthony Towns is actually butt. His utterly non-existent defense completely negates the scoring and his ongoing petulance with the officials makes you wonder if he’ll ever progress beyond the mental age of 15.

          January 31, 2020 — 12:59 pm

      • madmaxmedia says:

        Well then Thon Maker is definitely too old for this list.

        January 31, 2020 — 2:35 pm

  17. BRW says:

    Bulls are one Denzel Valentine from having a butt starting 5!

    January 31, 2020 — 10:55 am

  18. MakeMexicoPayforJohnWall says:

    I’ve missed you, you grumpy asshole.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:55 am

  19. Adam says:

    Sometimes I think Giles is not butt, but I live on the east coast. I yield to this definitive butt stack.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:55 am

  20. grizby says:

    theo ratliff would have been on this list i like to think

    January 31, 2020 — 10:56 am

  21. I Love Big Boobs (.)(.) says:

    i always held out hope for monk (or at least that he’d get moved and be halfway decent as a 6th man), but the fact that he can’t crack 20mpg on the hornets ain’t good.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:59 am

  22. OldManInSeattle says:

    Grayson Allen is in the NBA???

    January 31, 2020 — 10:59 am

  23. Freeman McNeil says:

    Knox and Ntilikina aren’t 100% butt. They’ve been completely misused. However, at the rate they’re going, they’ll achieve total buttness soon.

    Dennis Smith, Jr is a total fucking anus, rectum, colon, and large/small intestine.

    January 31, 2020 — 10:59 am

    • Comment by post author

      Albert Burneko says:

      I admire your optimism about Knox and Ntilikina. It’s impossible to make an empirical case for them being anything but two of the very worst players in the NBA.

      January 31, 2020 — 11:11 am

      • Freeman McNeil says:

        I value your opinion, sir. Could it be possible that my beloved Knicks are currently run by a subpar owner and clueless front office? Would that impact the buttness of Knox and Ntilikina?

        January 31, 2020 — 11:18 am

        • Lamplighter says:

          The Knicks can turn a good man butt, but these men are butt on their own.

          This has been Extremely Disappointing Aphorisms.

          January 31, 2020 — 12:22 pm

  24. Poor Islero says:

    Markkanen is the buttest butt-ass player on this list. He and Otto Porter deciding to spend the offseason jumping on live grenades has totally sabotaged a year that was wide open for the Bulls to get back in the playoffs.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:00 am

  25. Skunk Truck says:

    Yay Barnanko! Yay Butts!

    January 31, 2020 — 11:01 am

  26. Bim Joylen says:

    I don’t feel like looking up who these other guys are. Can someone just tell me whether the Bulls have the most guys on the list with 4?

    January 31, 2020 — 11:01 am

  27. DENNYCRANE says:

    I think Dennis Smith Jr. might even be sub-butt at this point?

    January 31, 2020 — 11:02 am

  28. chip_peterman says:

    Thank you for not including Zhaire Smith and Shake Milton.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:03 am

  29. cool says:

    thanks for putting in the effort albert

    January 31, 2020 — 11:05 am

  30. Guy says:

    Okogie is fine. Not butt. Damaged twolves sucker here

    January 31, 2020 — 11:06 am

  31. x says:

    This is not a good list! Some of these dudes are promising in limited roles (Simons), some of them have stalled in bad situations but have a lot of potential (Lauri), some are them have played one NBA game this season (Josh Jackson), some of them are actually pretty good when not injured (Luke Kennard), and some of them seem just destined to be decent rotation filler for their careers (Troy Brown). Putting them all in the same “butt” category makes no sense to me.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:06 am

    • LANCE VANCE says:

      There’s a reason that Josh Jackson has only played one NBA game this season, and it’s because he is butt

      January 31, 2020 — 11:38 am

      • X says:

        Yes, that was essentially my point. Pointing out that a player who has spent all season in the G-League is butt is obvious to the point of silliness. Comparing that player to somebody like Lauri or Kennard is just nonsense.

        January 31, 2020 — 12:31 pm

  32. CoastersPaul says:

    Someday, everyone else will forget that Mo Bamba is a Guy and not just a song. Thanks for Remembering Some Guys in advance.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:13 am

  33. jayedcoins says:

    I was legitimately shocked to learn that several of these players are, in fact, still actually young. I feel like I’ve been hearing about Miles Bridges, Mo Bamba, Dennis Smith Jr., Luke Kennard, Thon Maker, and Marquese Chriss for well over a decade.

    Also, “Marquese Chriss” sounds like a Tim Robinson character.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:14 am

  34. John says:

    Collin Sexton’s been pretty good lately!

    January 31, 2020 — 11:17 am

  35. HorseGrant says:

    If you are disappointed that Burneko is closing the book on a player you feel is promising, here are few names he has listed in last 3 years.

    Bradley Beal
    Bobby Hield
    Bobby Portis
    Jamal Murray
    Markelle Fultz
    Jonathan Isaac
    Andrew Wiggins
    Aaron Gordon
    Kelly Oubrey
    Julius Randle
    Robert Covington

    January 31, 2020 — 11:17 am

    • CaesarAgustusGloop says:

      Bobby Hield is my favorite NBA basketball man

      January 31, 2020 — 11:37 am

    • Eric L says:

      If you don’t think most of those guys are Butt, meet me in Temecula!

      January 31, 2020 — 11:47 am

    • Comment by post author

      Albert Burneko says:

      Some of these guys have definitely unbutted themselves over the past few years! But Portis, Wiggins, Gordon, Oubre, and Covington are all still butt.

      January 31, 2020 — 11:56 am

      • X says:

        What in the world is your metric for a player being butt? Kelly Oubre is a decent wing who is shooting decently from 3, decently from 2 and rates out as about average by net rating, win shares and the eye test. Phoenix has crashed after a promising start, but they’re significantly better night to night than they were. Robert Covington has been one of the very best wing defenders in the league (along with an average 3 pt shooter), at a time when both of those things are at an extreme premium. Gordon has been up and down, but he’s still been something like a median starter for most of his time in the league. Some “butt” players are basically out of the league, while other “butt” players are basically average dudes who may have been slightly overdrafted. This list is maddening.

        January 31, 2020 — 12:37 pm

      • Cryptkeeper Al Davis says:

        Covington is a stellar defender and most contenders would love to trade for him. He’s literally the only guy on the Timberwolves who isn’t butt.

        Your butt list might be going to your head.

        January 31, 2020 — 1:04 pm

  36. ToButtorNottoButt says:

    At least one of these guys will prove themselves to be not-butt in the next two or three years like previous Burneko butt recipients like Beal, Jamal Murray and Buddy Hield. I’m still holding out hope for Miles Bridges, Wendell Carter (badly needs a new team) and Lonnie.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:25 am

  37. Duckstyle187 says:

    Wendell Carter isn’t butt, he’s a guy.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:25 am

  38. walkin' in mempis 3-6 says:

    is Cedi Osman “young”

    January 31, 2020 — 11:25 am

  39. Def Not Kevin Durant’s Burner says:

    Do you know who isn’t butt? Kevin Durant.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:25 am

  40. Clever Name Here dba "Black Rod" says:

    My favorite subplot of the NBA season has been Knicks fans furiously demanding more playing time for Knox and Frankie Smokes as if they are not obvious busts.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:27 am

  41. HorseGrant says:

    Burneko deleting comments already?

    I made a comment about players previously on this list: Brad Beal, Fultz, Jamal Murray, Wiggins, Hield, etc…

    Burneko is Butt…

    January 31, 2020 — 11:28 am

  42. LMandrake says:

    If Luke Kennard didn’t injure his shoulder would he have played his way off the butt list?

    January 31, 2020 — 11:31 am

  43. Horatio Weltschmerz says:

    Lauri’s been variously injured all year and now is for-real injured. Kindly substitute his name with “The entire Bulls front office.”

    January 31, 2020 — 11:36 am

  44. petejayhawk says:

    You could have saved yourself some time by just having The Bulls be one line

    January 31, 2020 — 11:40 am

  45. Commentor says:

    Thank you for doing this!

    January 31, 2020 — 11:41 am

  46. GlassOfWaterBuffalo says:

    Must be an issue on your end, I see your comment. Was going to ask you if Bobby Hield is Buddy’s cousin or…?

    January 31, 2020 — 11:42 am

  47. Eric L says:

    For a brief period, when he was the only “scorer” on the Butt Bulls team, Lauri Markkanen, was not Butt, Agreed, he is not Butt.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:42 am

  48. Matt says:

    Bucks aren’t immune to this. DJ Wilson? definitely butt.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:43 am

  49. Spanfeller's Burner says:

    Okay, listen, this new website is okay but it would be SO much better if there were loud video advertisements that autoplayed and there was absolutely no way to stop them.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:46 am

  50. Cravenwood says:

    Mo Bamba Mentality just doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. That’s the problem.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:56 am

  51. Jacob Leland says:

    Willie Cauley-Stein was traded to make rotation room for Marquese Chriss–he is an egregious omission here.

    January 31, 2020 — 11:56 am

  52. Chainshaw says:

    I would like to submit for consideration that Donte DiVincenzo is butt. Thank you.

    January 31, 2020 — 12:24 pm

  53. Paul says:

    So many Knicks!

    January 31, 2020 — 12:50 pm

  54. MARC STAALS CONCRETE FEET says:

    Leave it to the Knicks to have 3 guys on this list playing regular minutes and the front office expected them to make the playoffs this year.

    January 31, 2020 — 1:07 pm

    • Jim Boylen’s Penis says:

      I see your 3 rotation players and I‘ll raise you 2. Bulls have 5 guys on this list who have played meaningful minutes this year.

      February 1, 2020 — 11:49 am

  55. Benny says:

    During a timeout at the Pacers game on Wednesday, a fan had to guess which player was singing a pre-recorded song in order to receive a fabulous prize. The player was TJ Leaf, and let me tell you, his singing skills are also butt.

    January 31, 2020 — 1:21 pm

  56. Big Corbs says:

    I saw Sexton practice at the Nike Hoop Summit he played in. During one of the scrimmages, Steve Blake, then retired but still a Portland resident, stepped in to run point. Sexton was so fucking juiced to be playing against an NBA player, even a retired one who was also Steve Blazer, he was rolling around, hounding him at every turn, clearly jacked out of his mind. Steve Blake, on the other hand, could not have cared less. It was in this moment that I knew that Sexton did not have the equanimity necessary to make it in the NBA night to night. He is forever cursed to care too much, to have his mind eaten alive by competition worms. Sad, really.

    January 31, 2020 — 1:28 pm

  57. BlueDogCollar says:

    Thon Maker shouldn’t be on this list! Even though he’s 22, he’s been in the NBA since 2016. That ought to move him to the no-longer-young list. I wouldn’t put Kwame Brown on the list in 2005 or Darko Milicic in 2007 either.

    January 31, 2020 — 2:13 pm

  58. Ascher says:

    Whoa whoa whoa if Lonnie ever gets decent minutes I think he might be like, somewhat competent

    January 31, 2020 — 2:48 pm

  59. Stink E. Jones says:

    I would have been happy if the list consisted solely of Grayson Allen.

    January 31, 2020 — 3:00 pm

  60. Primer says:

    Please internet gods, preserve this website. i want someone to keep paying Albert Burneko to write things so that i can read them

    January 31, 2020 — 3:10 pm

  61. gt9729b says:

    Damn I’ve missed your basketball stuff! Good to have you back. Where do I send the check?

    January 31, 2020 — 3:27 pm

  62. Violinski says:

    Oh Caleb Swanigan, you could’ve stayed just one more year at Purdue with Carsen Edwards and enjoyed Final Four glory – but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (yes I’m a bitter Purdue fan – which we all are)

    January 31, 2020 — 5:49 pm

  63. TheOneAndOnly says:

    Lotta Suns draft picks here. I’m not crying it’s just allergies.

    January 31, 2020 — 5:58 pm

  64. FaceP1 says:

    I would hazard that the following players are in fact not butt, but play on butt teams, and so casual NBA viewers rarely get to observe their not-butted-ness. These ones are in fact frisky, decent players buried on bad teams:

    Troy Brown Jr.
    Wendell Carter Jr.
    Both of the M. Bridges

    The rest are total butt.

    – signed, person who watched wayyyyyy too much league pass

    January 31, 2020 — 6:28 pm

  65. Paul says:

    The two young Bulls are the only Butt NBA players I have any remote hope for. This list is good and correct.

    January 31, 2020 — 6:29 pm

  66. one of the Tims says:

    Lauri Markkanen is not playing for the next month literally due to an injured butt. Just saying.

    February 1, 2020 — 1:38 am

  67. Drew says:

    sometimes i think a couple of the above guys are not butt. then i realize they are, indeed, butt.

    February 1, 2020 — 2:30 am

  68. InsertCleverName says:

    I don’t give a damn about basketball, but your bestowing of butt (buttstowing? Barstooling?) is always outstanding sir.

    Please take our money and keep doing what you do.

    If a new unnamed food blog were to appear I’d just start trying to stuff money in my phone’s usb port.

    February 1, 2020 — 2:32 am

  69. Spudnuts says:

    This list is missing a Lonzo Ball.

    February 1, 2020 — 2:38 am

  70. system lord says:

    I missed you so much, UTSB staff, welcome back to the only weblog you’ve ever truly been.

    February 1, 2020 — 3:30 am

  71. MathAsAHumanities says:

    Only one Hornet.

    WOOOOO!

    February 1, 2020 — 5:01 am

  72. RedMenace75 says:

    Oh man.
    A butt list.
    Some mild-to-hot taeks, with spicier taeks in the comments. And Burneko having a little back & forth. This is an awesome weekend.

    February 1, 2020 — 10:54 am

  73. David Dyte says:

    John Oliver will go after you now. No one disses Marquese Chriss.

    February 1, 2020 — 3:42 pm

  74. Aristotelis says:

    Lauri Markkanen AND Wendell Carter Jr. are butt??? Really?

    February 1, 2020 — 4:16 pm

  75. whoisbutt says:

    https://twitter.com/WashWizards/status/1223751187499028480

    Troy Brown isn’t butt Burneko! Jesus Christ this is all Wizards fans have man.

    February 2, 2020 — 3:48 pm

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