Let me show you how the UTSB sausage works. Earlier this afternoon someone (me) dropped into the Slack this video, of a baby larger than is normal for babies:
It’s awful! That baby is too big. I hate the expression on its face, and the little puffs of baby powder(?) that rise as it bucks, but above all its size.
We were all suitably repulsed, and then moved on, determined to forget the large infant.
A couple of hours later, someone mentioned it again.
Then, later, again. The baby was back, but, really, the baby had never left. It had barebacked its way into some corner of our reptile brains. Something is so atavistically wrong with this baby that we couldn’t not think about him.
Someone (me) suggested putting the baby on our website. Someone (Tom Ley) reacted with vehemence and disgust and declared that Tiny Jumbo would go nowhere near our website. And then we started talking about the baby some more. We were cursed with knowledge of the big baby.
This is the essence of Slack Law. Slack Law, which is immutable, states that whenever we have been talking about a thing for long enough (an undetermined–but–easily recognizable length of time), that thing needs to go on the site. This holds especially true when the thing is unpleasant or downright repulsive, because not only are we sharing with our valued readers the thing that has so monopolized our time, but we are also hopefully exorcising it from our own minds.
And so, the large baby. If this works right, we won’t thinking about him anymore. He’s your big problem, now.
French Canadian Montana says:
Baby Mangino levelled the fuck up
April 20, 2020 — 5:05 pm
ObscureSimpsonsReference says:
https://twitter.com/barry/status/1252343295214186500
i feel so old
April 20, 2020 — 5:14 pm
Icecold Davis says:
This is clearly one of Drew’s kids in a Depends smh
April 20, 2020 — 5:06 pm
hoodooguru says:
That is Drew with a COVID haircut.
April 21, 2020 — 7:55 am
Big Corbs says:
its the smile that really troubles. he knows a secret
April 20, 2020 — 5:08 pm
jamberg says:
big baby knows the exact time you will die.
April 20, 2020 — 6:04 pm
La Muerte Peluda says:
As a current proprietor of an 8-month old that likes bouncing, this is my nightmare. It was my nightmare when Roth liked the tweet, and now it’s my nightmare again.
Damn you Barry. I hope you have to read all of Chris Thompson’s bird tweets.
April 20, 2020 — 5:08 pm
Chris Thompson says:
Hey! Dammit!
April 20, 2020 — 5:16 pm
La Muerte Peluda says:
Face it Chris, unless its Scrappy from TikTok I only have one bird to give you.
Scrappy babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby
love you
April 20, 2020 — 5:35 pm
Apollojurist says:
Pictured: Rob Ford pre-crack.
April 20, 2020 — 5:09 pm
ObscureSimpsonsReference says:
“He’s your big problem, now.”
What?
Well, I guess some of us are bariatric surgeons and oversize casket makers, go I guess that’s true.
April 20, 2020 — 5:09 pm
Space Station 11 says:
NO! I don’t LIKE it!
April 20, 2020 — 5:11 pm
thatsrightfrankstallone says:
Here I thought this was a post about the biggest baby of them all.
April 20, 2020 — 5:11 pm
Oso says:
The big wet diaper baby? We gotta wait on Roth for that one.
April 20, 2020 — 7:46 pm
zach says:
That is a child with no hair that is wearing a diaper. It’s not that complicated.
April 20, 2020 — 5:17 pm
Burney McBurnerface says:
Always one big baby truther in the crowd.
April 20, 2020 — 7:45 pm
It's a me! says:
Thought for sure this was going to be about the giant baby says statue in Devs. Guess not.
April 20, 2020 — 5:18 pm
taco mike says:
this motherfucker has cackled while evicting people from their homes
April 20, 2020 — 5:19 pm
DannyHeep says:
That’s Andy Reid.
April 20, 2020 — 5:33 pm
philadlj says:
That’s Andy RIED!
April 21, 2020 — 11:55 am
Dammit Karen says:
Please leave Andy Reid out of this.
April 21, 2020 — 12:57 pm
Robert says:
young Bryant Reeves-ass baby
April 20, 2020 — 5:34 pm
Biff Boerwinkle says:
This kid wasn’t gonna let coronavirus stop him from partying.
April 20, 2020 — 5:43 pm
Whiskey Highball says:
Ya won’t be laughing in 20 years when the Raiders draft him at defensive end. He’ll be 7’-4” and 465 pounds of cackling baby muscle destined to end the career of old man Mahomes.
April 20, 2020 — 5:46 pm
ocelots says:
I am disgusted. No, thank you!
April 20, 2020 — 5:52 pm
Jeff Fazekas says:
What do you think his moms lady parts look like after birthing this thing?
April 20, 2020 — 6:02 pm
MF McLane says:
His feet are light and nimble. He never sleeps. He says that he will never die. He bounces in light and in shadow and he is a great favorite. He never sleeps, the large baby. He is bouncing, bouncing. He says that he will never die.
April 20, 2020 — 6:12 pm
runaway suns says:
Only now is the child finally divested of all that he has been. His origins are become remote as is his destiny and not again in all the world’s turning will there be terrains so wild and barbarous to try whether the stuff of creation may be shaped to man’s will or whether his own heart is not another kind of clay.
April 21, 2020 — 2:39 am
m13g9 says:
this is the correct answer
April 21, 2020 — 9:02 am
Bort says:
But is the baby elite?
April 21, 2020 — 2:24 pm
BodyofanAmerican says:
Judge Holden is a little…jollier than I expected.
April 20, 2020 — 6:29 pm
Jeremy's Iron says:
Dance baby
April 20, 2020 — 6:57 pm
jawnita says:
isn’t this a sport baby tho
April 20, 2020 — 7:26 pm
dannibalcorpse says:
bart harley jarvis has evolved into his final form
April 20, 2020 — 7:29 pm
Hokie333 says:
BABY BEEFTANK
https://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2013/9/5/4691010/breaking-madden-clarence-beeftank-jaguars
April 20, 2020 — 7:39 pm
Heavy Metal Lawyer says:
This is gold. Thank you for introducing this into my life.
April 22, 2020 — 3:23 pm
gaseous clay says:
Baby sucks
April 20, 2020 — 8:00 pm
Vlad says:
We need to stop spending so much money on the military-industrial complex and on subsidies for Big Baby.
April 20, 2020 — 8:17 pm
HacksawSmithers says:
My brain keeps interpreting UTSB as University of Texas – Santa Barbara, a college that both makes sense and definitely exists.
April 20, 2020 — 8:23 pm
ObscureSimpsonsReference says:
Wisconsin is his only scholarship offer this far.
April 20, 2020 — 8:47 pm
BasedMS says:
Convinced this thing is a fucking animatronic prop. Fuck this “baby”.
April 20, 2020 — 10:21 pm
AnthonyInTX says:
WESTWORLD BABY
April 21, 2020 — 10:39 am
Sal says:
But why is he so big did anyone check his pituitary gland
April 21, 2020 — 1:36 am
Birdo says:
Paternity test required; Looks like Rex Ryan’s face when he sees a good pair of tootsies.
April 21, 2020 — 2:03 am
Kevin from Sales says:
Why so much hate for giant baby Conan O’Brien clone?
April 21, 2020 — 9:10 am
JustAGuyGuy says:
In awe at the size of this absolute unit
April 21, 2020 — 9:55 am
AnthonyInTX says:
Kinda expected this to be about Trump… I’m a little disappointed
April 21, 2020 — 10:39 am
Marco Esquandolas says:
WHY ARE HIS LIMBS SO LONG?
April 21, 2020 — 10:53 am
Ned Flanders' Atomic Dustbin says:
That isn’t baby powder. That’s dad’s very own soul escaping with each bounce from little lardass.
April 21, 2020 — 12:34 pm
Dr. Jan Itor says:
Thanks, I hate it
April 21, 2020 — 3:35 pm
Jon H says:
So when do we get to see this kid in the octagon?
November?
April 22, 2020 — 12:34 am