If you run a baseball team, it’s never been easier to project competence. The Astros just got caught in the corniest, most brazen cheating scandal in recent history; the Red Sox are inexplicably hellbent on not employing Mookie Betts; the Mets still exist. It feels like half the teams in the league can’t stop stepping on rakes, and all any franchise needs to do to look good in comparison is walk in a straight line.
Someone forgot to make this clear to the Colorado Rockies and their dog-brained owner, Dick Monfort. The Rockies, who followed up a 91-win 2018 campaign by signing their best player, Nolan Arenado, to a long-term extension and winning 71 games in 2019, have spent this offseason doing two things: Not spending one goddamn dime on free agents, and antagonizing Arenado by constantly engaging in conversations about trading him. Things got so bad last month that Arenado came out and publicly said that he felt like he’d been disrespected by GM Jeff Bridich. So, they’re doing great!
Despite those efforts, the Rockies still weren’t within touching distance of the offseason’s Doo-Doo Crown. And yet, Monfort seems to really want that prize on his head. Here’s what he had to say about the Rockies’ upcoming season while speaking at a charity event:
“In ’08, with basically the exact same team (as ’07), we won 74 games and lost 88,” Monfort said. “But like a great American hero, Forrest Gump, once said, ‘(Stuff) happens.’ And that’s what happened in ’08, because in ’09 we won 92 and lost 70. Most of the people I talk to that were on those teams say the ’09 team was our greatest team.
“I interpolated ’07, ’08 and ’09 — I had an analytical staff go through and interpolate those numbers — and so in 2020, we’ll win 94 games and lose 68.”
What a great baseball team to root for.
Touching Distance of the Doo-Doo Crown is my band name. Called it.
February 2, 2020 — 1:52 pm
Andre the Giant Drunk says:
Yeah well when the Rockies start stumping for Trump in addition to shitting on their generational talent at 3rd base they can take the doo-doo crown.
Someone ask Marchman if I’m allowed to change sides
February 2, 2020 — 1:58 pm
Are Why says:
he said no, no you may not.
February 2, 2020 — 5:29 pm
Coors Field is so perfect on a lazy summer afternoon in the sun, and Monfort knows it. I can’t say I’ve met many Rockies fans there. What a terrible fate to be a Rockies fan, but what a lovely place to see a ballgame, assuming you’re not invested in the outcome in any way. Is it possible that they average 30,000 people who don’t really care how the Rockies do every game?
February 2, 2020 — 2:03 pm
Spanfeller is a Herb says:
Coors Field is the best venue for day drinking ever created.
February 2, 2020 — 2:14 pm
Which is only countered by the fact that, when you finally have to leave, LoDo is the worst venue for night drinking ever created.
February 2, 2020 — 2:30 pm
February 2, 2020 — 11:00 pm
Real Ill Mind says:
Yes. Same attendance with a good team as with a bad one. The game is the least compelling thing about going.
I don’t give a shit about baseball, but watching Nolan be Nolan is one of the best things in sports, not just baseball. And fuck Monfort and Bridich for being so disdainful of what they have. I’ll be sad when he goes, but I hope he gets to play with a real team that treats him with the respect he deserves.
February 2, 2020 — 2:34 pm
Denver is too damn high says:
What you say is fact. It’s the best hopeless experience you can have
February 2, 2020 — 7:55 pm
gardner minshew is my spirit animal says:
I know more dodger fans from Albuquerque that make the drive up than actually Rockies fans
And the isotopes are the Rockies triple a farm team.
February 2, 2020 — 8:01 pm
Yep. I’ve seen two games at Coors where I did not give a rip who won, and it was delightful both times. And I was only stoned out of my gourd for one of them.
February 3, 2020 — 3:18 am
Pirates fan here. At least the Rockies resigned their best player. In the last 3 years the Pirates have traded theirs for: 2 tickets to a Donnie Iris concert (2018), four 6pm reservations at Olive Garden, not redeemable on Fridays thru Sundays (2019), and 1 ticket to Cedar Point, fastpass not included (2020). I’ll be eating a sandwich with coleslaw and fries on it in the corner, weeping.
February 2, 2020 — 2:25 pm
As a relatively recent newbie to Pittsburgh, I enjoy watching the Pirates in a one team derby of seeing how low they can cut payroll before the team is contracted. There is a legitimately non-zero chance they’ll get payroll below an individual player’s salary either this year or next, and it’s a hell of a thing to watch. Thank God yinzers don’t give a shit about baseball, or there would be an uproar.
February 2, 2020 — 2:44 pm
Surely they could have gotten tickets to The Clarks at least?!?
February 2, 2020 — 4:27 pm
Dang. I would say this needs fixed. But this comment is a coupla gumbands and a slice of jumbo from the Giant Iggle in Swickly from being the most Pittsburgh thing I’ve seen here. And so cold it could make the roads slippy.
February 2, 2020 — 4:30 pm
Are Why says:
Donnie Iris? That is a win for them. AHHHHHHHHHHHH LEIA!!!!
February 2, 2020 — 5:34 pm
For a venture capitalist, he doesn’t understand “past preformance is not indicative of future results” very well.
February 2, 2020 — 2:31 pm
February 2, 2020 — 2:41 pm
Cryptkeeper Al Davis says:
So before this thing shuts down tonight, there HAS to be a post on the illustrations. Initially I assumed it was the work of a single brilliant, demented artist, but then I checked, and these graphics seem to be done by the writers themselves? In a quick perusal, I’ve seen Ley’s name on a few, and Chris Thompson’s, and at least one by McKinney. How is this possible? How do you achieve such uniformity in design? All of these crappy, wonderful drawings look like they’re done by the same slow child. I must know how this came to be. I MUST!
February 2, 2020 — 2:50 pm
gardner minshew is my spirit animal says:
Especially the asked for and received ms paints of the visiting dignitaries
Is the best part of the 3 days.
February 2, 2020 — 8:03 pm
The Baltimore Orioles say hello. Oh yeah, I forgot………….something something can’t rebuild and try to compete at the same time.
February 2, 2020 — 2:56 pm
Cryptkeeper Al wins for most insightful comment.
February 2, 2020 — 4:02 pm
[extremely walking around Las Vegas on ether voice]
Innnnn terrrr pooooo laaaaaaaaa tiiiid
February 2, 2020 — 4:23 pm
TUSB is the best internet sports blog of all time
February 2, 2020 — 5:25 pm