We’re still pretending there’s gonna be an NFL season, which means that there’s still gonna be a draft this week and that teams such as the Chargers, Browns, and Bucs are all unveiling “new” uniforms to get fans creaming their jeans for the season ahead. It’s a new team. A new start. A new ERA.
So let’s take a look at these sartorial revolutions, shall we? Here are the “new” Chargers unis, complete with the requisite Schefty flame emoji boost:
They have yellow pants now. I guess that’s neat. Next up, the Browns:
YOU BETTER BELIEVE I AM ABOUT TO BROCK, MOTHERFUCKERS. I saw fans complaining in the replies here that the Browns will no longer be wearing ORANGE pants. But really, if that’s your biggest complaint about the Browns, you aren’t following them all that closely.
Finally, we come to the Bucs. It’s important that all of these reveal videos are produced with all the expense and technique of a trailer for a new Disney Plus show:
It’s very easy to show people the future when the last iteration of your unis featured numerals from a 1985 Casio alarm clock.
These are not new uniforms. They’re the same goddamn uniforms these teams have been wearing for years now. The only reason they’re “new” is because they feature new piping around the nameplate or some other minimal tweak that’s considered revolutionary by the NFL’s idiotic uniform guidelines. They’re a software update you don’t even notice. But they do teams the favor of rendering older merch slightly obsolete, thus compelling Fred from Parma to use his stimulus check on the absolute latest fit. That way, he can look like Odell Beckham TODAY, right before he gets traded to Rams for a fourth-round pick.
No one would give a shit about these updates if it weren’t for the Schefters of the world doing their usually knob-slobbing and tweeting out the news like they just heard Patrick Mahomes got traded. But that’s how the NFL media system works now. Any time a team farts out a new pair of fucking socks, they can rely on a professional ferret like Schefter to not only broadcast the news to the world, but to do deliver it like it’s the announcement of a newborn child. Fuck these stupid old unis, fuck Schefter, and triple fuck the Chargers, Bucs, and Browns.
philadlj says:
I for one love how the Ravens have not changed their very 2000s number font since 2000. At this point it’s ICONIC.
April 21, 2020 — 1:10 pm
AreaFifTeeJuan says:
But is it ELITE?
April 21, 2020 — 4:32 pm
JD says:
The new Rams jerseys are god awful and the kid they hired to do the photoshop needs to be fired…from a cannon into the sun.
May 13, 2020 — 11:22 am
crackingbear says:
Finally! Drew is back!!!
April 21, 2020 — 1:10 pm
turkatim says:
i think the chargers uniforms look nice
April 21, 2020 — 1:10 pm
Creepy Bill says:
“ Fuck these stupid old unis, fuck Schefter, and triple fuck the Chargers, Bucs, and Browns.”
Crazy how little it takes to make me horny after all this time in isolation.
April 21, 2020 — 1:11 pm
MemeWeaver says:
I mean, that’s what makes you Creepy, Bill.
April 21, 2020 — 2:45 pm
Jauffins says:
Where’s the upvote button?
April 21, 2020 — 7:31 pm
Caviar SmokeBoy says:
The Pats ones look like ass.
April 21, 2020 — 1:15 pm
FortyPercentZinc says:
The Pats’ blue is…fine. The white is less impressive. They also kept the double outline on the numbers that doesn’t match any of the other striping so it just looks out of place. The silver helmets look awful now without any silver in the unis, don’t know why they wouldn’t just go to white helmets so they can do the throwback look.
April 21, 2020 — 2:51 pm
Darrone says:
It’s the color rush uniform with like 2 tweaks. It’s not even “new” new.
April 21, 2020 — 2:55 pm
Felonious Drunk says:
The threat in these uniforms… is we’re looking the same for another 4-12 season.
April 21, 2020 — 1:15 pm
Junker23 says:
But the Chargers uniforms do look good, though.
The rest? Should’ve actually changed ’em to something new.
April 21, 2020 — 1:19 pm
24K Fitzmagic says:
Pros: Helmet numbers are cool. The lightning stripe on the pants is cool, though I doubt most people will notice.
Cons: You can’t claim EVERY shade of blue, guys, come on. Pick one. (I will begrudgingly accept the dark blue version as a Natrone Means-era throwback, but no way am I going to countenance the stealing of the Rams’ color scheme.)
April 21, 2020 — 1:30 pm
LA Dodges says:
If they are so good why are there 6 of them
April 21, 2020 — 1:38 pm
ObscureSimpsonsReference says:
That’s the same thing I kept saying during the Von Erich episode of that wrestling documentary, but it got answered pretty quickly.
April 21, 2020 — 3:46 pm
BattlestarGrammatica says:
This is the good shit
April 21, 2020 — 5:14 pm
CandygramForDonald says:
None of them are even new – most are a re-working of the 60s powder blues (the best ones), one is a throwback to the Fouts 80s, the other is the drab ass shit they wore the last 2 decades in SD just to poke a stick in the eye of the fans who never really like anything but the 60s style getups. Funny how hard they’re embracing those now that it’s too late to get their fans back.
I actually enjoy football a lot more now choosing teams to root against more than I ever did having a soul-crushingly umderperforming home teem to cheer for…
April 21, 2020 — 2:03 pm
CandygramForDonald says:
My god my typos…
April 21, 2020 — 2:04 pm
Tyler says:
Oh thank god Drew is back. 2020 has sucked NUTS but the “UTSB” resurfacing is…nice.
April 21, 2020 — 2:56 pm
Darius Miles in the Perfect Score says:
Granted no one is trying to watch the Browns, BUT the Browns have been wearing drastically different uniforms for a few years now. These look more or less exactly like the Browns uniforms of my childhood, but they’re not the same as what they wore last year.
April 21, 2020 — 4:06 pm
Flutter By says:
Of all major sports, which league would it be least surprising to see follow-through on their threats to murder all of their fans? Gotta be the NFL, right?
April 21, 2020 — 1:21 pm
JustAGuyGuy says:
[Rob Manfred has logged on]
April 21, 2020 — 2:19 pm
Fleegle says:
I would have guessed it would be the NFL but I think it’ll be college football first. Perfect mix of MAGAites, Jesus Freaks, and corruption. There’s no way you’re going to tell me the Governor of Alabama isn’t going to open up the state the moment Alabama’s football players are supposed to start training.
April 21, 2020 — 2:54 pm
Mildish Tarantino says:
I love how Alabama’s one thing is a college that educates people juuuuust enough to get the fuck out of Alabama.
April 21, 2020 — 3:35 pm
M1EK says:
They also have Hunstville, which answers the question “what happens if you load a couple trillion dollars into a money cannon and shoot it at Hillbillies in the hopes they’ll build a nice place to do rocket science in”.
I do not want to go (back) to there.
April 21, 2020 — 4:05 pm
biff_wonsley says:
Huntsville. It’s some fucked up shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih1FYUwz02E
April 21, 2020 — 6:34 pm
MetaGodzilla says:
Excellent point. OH’s gov has done a nice job shutting down the state to flatten the curve. His approval would drop to 0% if this shutdown fucked up the Buckeye’s season.
As a Michigan fan in the wrong state I would accept that as a moral victory.
April 22, 2020 — 6:55 am
Tecumseh says:
My favorite things about these announcements is when times make this big announcement only to show that they’re going back to their old, more classic uniforms. Like it took only the Browns and Bucs a few years to realize that they’re newer uniforms were complete atrocities.
My second thing is when they make a big announcement only to reveal that they’ve gone from like a Pantone 312 to a Pantone 313 and just did something like the Colts just did and make the logo on the helmet a bit bigger. My guess is it took a year, hundreds of meetings, and several hundred thousand dollars to come up with just the change to the logo.
April 21, 2020 — 1:24 pm
Garfield Thelonius Remington III says:
HOW. DO I GET. AN AVATAR. DAMMIT.
April 21, 2020 — 1:27 pm
philadlj says:
This blog dug my Gravatar up from 2008.
https://en.gravatar.com/
April 21, 2020 — 1:49 pm
Garfield Thelonius Remington III says:
Also, the yellow-pants Chargers uniforms are fine by me. That entire color scheme and look is almost stitch-for-stitch identical to the University of Rhode Island Rams of 1985.
April 21, 2020 — 1:28 pm
Peter says:
Honestly surprised they don’t change unis every year like soccer teams.
April 21, 2020 — 1:32 pm
Chris says:
I think the NFL has a rule that says you have to wait at least 3? years between updates
April 21, 2020 — 5:11 pm
the john says:
Yet another reason the NFL sucks. Leaving money on the table, guys.
April 21, 2020 — 7:27 pm
Hank Scorpio says:
Paul Lukas, eat your heart out.
April 21, 2020 — 1:34 pm
Color Flush says:
The Coca-cola classic of football uniforms…..Falcons new unis would be Crystal Pepsi: no real reason for existence ever
April 21, 2020 — 1:37 pm
Math As A Humanities says:
Aside from the obviousness in the name, why do you, or others, demand your caffeinated sugar water be brown or vitamin piss yellow?
Honestly, there is no reason for brown caffeinated sugar water, since it is easily confused with root beer. Grape soda is purple and orange is orange. All caffeinated sugar water should only be yellow, if we are going for a color coded soda system.
Otherwise, deleting an ingredient and making clear, caffeinated sugar water makes the most sense.
April 24, 2020 — 5:31 am
Drew Vadge says:
The Chargers’ unis may not be new, but pretty much all the variations are fucking awesome.
April 21, 2020 — 1:38 pm
tommytimp says:
Hate (love) to see what Drew writes when the Pats drop their new (old) unis
April 21, 2020 — 1:43 pm
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Jim says:
Fuck the Chargers for leaving San Diego for California’s armpit. The uni’s are sweet, though, except for the Blackout one (what is this 2005?!). They are all based on past unis – nice that they brought back the Fouts era Royal Blue and their classic powder blues.
Still, fuck the Spanoses special.
April 21, 2020 — 1:48 pm
N says:
Parma, like in Emilia-Romagna? Or is is there a sad Parma in Ohio where the rivers are on fire?
April 21, 2020 — 1:56 pm
CheeryNoble says:
Yup, it’s a suburb of Cleveland and a major center of pierogi consumption
April 21, 2020 — 2:29 pm
Artisan Lightbulb says:
It’s one of the rustier inner-ring Cleveland suburbs. As Drew Carey once put it, “America makes fun of Cleveland, and Cleveland makes fun of Parma.”
April 21, 2020 — 6:01 pm
BloggyMcBlogBlog says:
I swear that those Browns uniforms are the same ones that they had before the latest redesign.
April 21, 2020 — 2:06 pm
Hit Bull Win Steak says:
“Hold our beer.”
– The Rams
April 21, 2020 — 2:15 pm
Well Placed Rocket says:
I have a Hot Take, and I am absolutely prepared to be ripped to shreds by the ravenous hordes for this – I liked the seven-segment digital numerals the Bucs had. I think that idea could really work! It was unique and retro-futuristic and I think could be worked into designs for more technological or sci-fi-themed teams like the Jets or Chargers. Come at me, nerds.
April 21, 2020 — 2:17 pm
Tyrsis says:
Spanos can eat a fat dick, but the Bolts have had the best uniforms since 1963, lets be honest here
April 21, 2020 — 2:19 pm
DENNYCRANE says:
The only people who should be allowed to design new NFL uniforms are 1) whoever did costume design for “The Fifth Element”; and 2) Rob Liefeld. That’s it. No one else.
April 21, 2020 — 2:32 pm
James says:
If Liefeld were to design NFL uniforms, the shoes would be weirdly contorted and likely lead to a bunch of broken ankles.
Also, can you put a backwards baseball cap on an NFL helmet?
April 21, 2020 — 3:26 pm
thatsrightfrankstallone says:
just makes me more happy that i am a packers fan. those uni’s are never changing or going out of style. my favre, driver, matthews, & rodgers jerseys all look almost exactly the same!
April 21, 2020 — 2:51 pm
Burt Thaxton says:
Drewbers,
The Browns transition is significant because we looked like Bowling Green University’s club football team – like some 19 year old put a bunch of shitty fonts on a BGSU jersey.
This is what the browns uniforms should look like – they are the perfect unis, and have been that way since the 1950’s. It is important that, as crappy as the Browns have been through the past 20 years, we re-establish our classic unis and aggressively forget the manziel-hue era.
Hueness is a condition that plagues us as a society
April 21, 2020 — 3:02 pm
HotDogCannon says:
This blog isn’t the same without the Schefty-doing-the-Ray-Lewis-dance .gif
April 21, 2020 — 3:34 pm
The incredible poop says:
I’m glad y’all are back. Now to bring back dadspi- I mean dadtemporarysportsblog.
April 21, 2020 — 6:20 pm
DaUggliesOF says:
So how do you really feel about Shefty Drew?
April 21, 2020 — 10:35 pm
sonnet says:
Hot pink uniforms for all the teams (regardless of whether it’s breast cancer month or Mother’s Day*), forever, or GTFO
*Seriously though, what the hell is up with that? ALL moms love the color pink??? I do love pink (not a mom though) but even I find that a bit demeaning and weird.
April 22, 2020 — 11:46 am
Clark Kent says:
I know the Rams screwed with their logos, but are they having new uniforms as well?
April 22, 2020 — 3:01 pm
Fighting Showalters says:
I think I’m the only Browns follower that didn’t get a new uni in the mail.
April 22, 2020 — 7:49 pm
Cameron Poe says:
I remember when a uni change was a once in a decade plus move that generated excitement. Nike is going to rub that excitement down to the nub. I wish they had never gotten the NFL or NBA uniforms back. They overthink it. They messed up the Lakers gold for goodness sakes.
April 23, 2020 — 12:36 am