My dog is extremely regular. I walk him in the morning and he shits. I walk him at night and he shits again. If he does NOT shit on either of those walks, I come back home and announce the news with grave concern. “He didn’t poop! What if the poop got backed up in his system and it explodes out of his little doggie skull?” This has yet to happen to my dog, much less any dog, but I remain wary nonetheless. Mostly I don’t want him having to shit on the coffee table in a pinch (pun intended).
When the dog shits, he follows standard operating dog procedure. He eyes a patch of grass suitable for his business, then he does his about-to-shit walk, and I can tell he’s about to go because his little dog asshole begins … presenting. Then he squats and drops a steamer on the ground, then I dutifully pick it up with a bag wrapped around my hand. I pull the bag off my hand, turning it inside out. I tie up it up and HEY PRESTO! I got myself a little party favor.
One thing I noticed throughout all these walks is that the dog takes enough time shitting that I could, in theory, catch the shit with my bagged hand before it’s ever touched the ground. I ruminated on the idea. Toyed with it in my mind, not unlike my dog might chew on a squeaky plush mouse. I threw out the idea to Twitter. They were WILD about it.
With all that support behind me, how could I NOT brave an attempt? One night after the tweet in question, I was walking the dog again. I was alone, and stoned. No one else was around, save for the tech industry satellites that pollute Earth’s orbit to catch everyone masturbating. The dog went to squat, and I impulsively thought to myself LET’S GO FOR IT.
I reached out my bagged hand and PLOP! A fresh turd was all mine.
This was not a clean catch. Another piece of shit bounced off my hand and fell to the ground. I had not completed the process of catching the full movement. I went to grab the rogue turd while my dog, now finished, took two steps and kicked a bunch of loose grass at me. This is his instinctive way of burying his own evidence. It always fails. Now I had a fistful of dogshit and used fescue to my name, and not much more.
But no matter. I had done the impossible. Or, at least, the inadvisable. I had caught (part of) my dog’s shit in mid-air! Now when you think of The Catch, you won’t think of Dwight Clark. You’ll think of ME, America’s bravest loser.
I have not done it since then. You cannot chase such magic.
The Holy Hand Grenade says:
This may have been more riveting than the Super Bowl will be. A Super Bowel, if you will.
February 1, 2020 — 1:42 pm
Sepoy Rebel says:
My only regret, is that there is no star to give.
February 1, 2020 — 6:00 pm
UTSB: a new hope says:
apt user name is apt
February 2, 2020 — 6:34 pm
Sam says:
I feel seen
February 1, 2020 — 1:44 pm
Brian says:
I make this man’s chilli.
February 1, 2020 — 1:47 pm
Jerrah says:
Dez Bryant approves this message.
February 1, 2020 — 1:47 pm
Torsloke says:
Well that’s the unanswered question, isn’t it? Was it really a catch? Did Drew complete a football move while retaining possession of the poop. Unless we get access to that satellite footage we’ll never know.
February 2, 2020 — 1:56 am
Diminishing Skills says:
Is “The Catch” a soon-to-be sequel to “The Hike”?
February 1, 2020 — 1:47 pm
OrinIncandenzaMilfHunter says:
My parents had a German Shephard and would take a bag AND a paper towel on the walk. As the dog entered her stance, he would slide the paper towel into the target zone. When she was done, he’d use the plastic bag to scoop up the paper towel and the payload one clean motion and proceed on.
PS: I hope tomorrow never ends….
February 1, 2020 — 1:53 pm
TrollSoHardUniversity says:
My mother in law uses a newspaper for this exact method.
February 1, 2020 — 11:08 pm
Aquacow says:
I’ve done this once. It’s eerie how warm it is compared to the three-second wait to pick it off the ground.
February 1, 2020 — 1:53 pm
Edgerin James Earl Jones says:
Wait! You have a 3-second rule for dog poo? I thought that was only for when a piece of candy hit the ground.
P.S. I’m concerned about your diet.
February 1, 2020 — 9:39 pm
ricky henderson says:
huh. I’ve actually wondered if this was possible but have never been brave enough to try.
February 1, 2020 — 1:53 pm
SevereButthole says:
Had to look up ‘fescue’. I’ll use it in a sentence in like a year from now and have no idea how I know that word.
February 1, 2020 — 1:59 pm
dannibalcorpse says:
the cousin to this is the “stick the paper plate under the dog/cat as they’re about to puke” and i have become the master of it
February 1, 2020 — 1:59 pm
I Ate Tomato says:
Let’s Remember Some Shit.
February 1, 2020 — 2:03 pm
Unnamed Temporary Lurker says:
My parents put a garden trowel underneath their dog when she’s shitting. Dog always hits her mark, Mom or Dad pick up the trowel and throw the evidence in the woods. This way their garbage can doesn’t smell like dog shit. Their neighbors will inevitably catch on and report them to the HOA, but so far so good.
February 1, 2020 — 2:04 pm
DJ Mc says:
That’s when you start chucking it at the neighbors.
February 1, 2020 — 6:35 pm
jitterping says:
dear god
February 1, 2020 — 2:09 pm
Mr. McGibblets says:
My dog had a nasty bladder infection, so several times I had to swoop in with a little tupperware container right as she started to pee to collect samples. Way harder.
February 1, 2020 — 2:12 pm
down and out on a cliff branch says:
Now, when ya don’t catch it, the dog barks “FUMBLE!”
February 1, 2020 — 2:14 pm
Democracy is dying says:
Calvin Johnson and you.
February 1, 2020 — 2:19 pm
unamedburneraccount says:
Ugh. Yeah, on second thought, DO stick to sports.
“Now when you think of The Catch, you won’t think of Dwight Clark. You’ll think of ME, America’s bravest loser.”
Damn it!
February 1, 2020 — 2:34 pm
Stamfordgal says:
I appreciate your DIY attitude, but there’s actually a product which catches the shit for you called Poochy. It’s possible using such a product is not nearly as satisfying as a fistful of warm crap you caught yourself, (and maybe it would be considered cheating by Dog Shit Catching enthusiasts) but it reduces the risk of jacket sleeve contamination an unexpected bout explosive diarrhea brings to the table.
February 1, 2020 — 2:34 pm
Derry Murbles says:
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Guy’s Shoestring Catch Of A Turd Falling Out Of His Dog’s Anus
February 1, 2020 — 3:01 pm
Bae Bae Watt says:
…OK, these Spanfeller metaphors are getting out of hand.
Or, I guess, getting into hand, as it were?
February 1, 2020 — 3:13 pm
CitronC says:
A Spanfeller metaphor would be the feeling of trying to catch a shit from a Great Dane with Parvo
February 2, 2020 — 1:23 am
Yo Gabba Gabba Gool says:
What will you try next, Najeh Davenport?
February 1, 2020 — 3:31 pm
Vash says:
My dog gets carsick, and my wife once caught the pup’s vomit in her bare hand. Wife’s also mildly germaphobic, but once she saw the dry heaving she just reached out, grabbed it, and tossed it out the open window in one motion.
It was kind of a turn on.
February 1, 2020 — 3:46 pm
Wileetay says:
My dog loves to eat grass, so sometimes a log will come half out of his ass, but won’t fall because it’s still connected by a long strand. Gotta put on the bag and literally pull the log out manually.
February 1, 2020 — 3:58 pm
Not sticking to sports says:
It’s midnight and I’m trying not to laugh out loud so I don’t wake the whole house up and I’ve got tears just streaming down my face. Please stick around UTSB Monday is going to be so depressing without you.
February 2, 2020 — 12:03 am
northbx says:
I do not care how you do it, I will just say thank you for cleaning up after your pooch. People who do not deserve to have their noses rubbed in it. Even though I know no lessons will be learned, it would be just.
February 1, 2020 — 4:04 pm
WuTangFinancial says:
I don’t really have a comment on this story; just wanted to express my excitement to find this blog. Awesome.
February 1, 2020 — 4:06 pm
Mark says:
Next up: same scenario but Helmet Catch
February 1, 2020 — 4:33 pm
Are Why says:
I will miss this site in a few more hours
February 1, 2020 — 4:54 pm
Martin English says:
Welcome back home
February 1, 2020 — 6:15 pm
Mongo says:
I grew up with a great dane followed by a yellow lab. You’d need a knuckleball catcher’s mitt for those two.
February 1, 2020 — 6:44 pm
Sean says:
Jesus keep this site going – I miss deadspin so freaking much. I promise to pay a subscription if you get this going again.
February 1, 2020 — 6:56 pm
Poughdrew says:
I can’t help but think the second turd was more of a butt fumble.
February 1, 2020 — 7:00 pm
Thundergun says:
I can’t tell you how glad I am to read this inane bullshit again
February 1, 2020 — 7:24 pm
FuckTheMan says:
Between this and the Drive I only go back for NPOCP!
February 1, 2020 — 8:12 pm
CitronC says:
Ahhh, this is the high quality shitter reading I have missed so much of late. Some days you get tired of just sports and need some dog shit reading to make the world right. I really miss this shit.
February 2, 2020 — 1:09 am
abikemessengerinseattle says:
Just want to share this with someone because it’s driving me insane and I have no one to bitch to about it. It’s heavy, so…sorry.
My dog had a stroke in September. More specifically, my dog had a spinal stroke in September, a condition called FCE (fibrocartilaginous embolism) that disconnected more than half of her spinal cord from her nervous system. That day, I took her on a walk, we went to the park, she ran around like a lunatic because there was no one else there and I figured it would be okay for her to be off-leash for a couple of minutes, we walked down a bum trail but then heard some crazy people up ahead so we turned back and then we walked home and parked on the couch because it was the Saturday of Labor Day weekend and I had three days off of work and we were taking it easy and my wife was cooking dinner and life was fucking good. Then Kate called me into the kitchen and the dog tried to follow me off of the couch but just collapsed on the floor. I will never forget her terrified look when I picked her up and she fell down again; when I squeezed her back paws and they crumpled in my hands, lifeless and dull, completely paralyzed.
Emergency vet had no explanation, he talked to my wife considerately and looked at me like I had perhaps kicked the dog and shattered a crucial piece of her spine. He eventually found us a place in Lynnwood that could do an MRI for us even though it was a holiday weekend and they were understaffed. We took her there and they made me sign a bunch of forms that said things like “if we have to perform surgery and her heart stops should we try and start it again” blah blah blah. I signed them all, trying to strike a balance.
She survived. It wasn’t fair. Owned dogs all my life, and she was undoubtedly the most athletic. Ran 10Ks with me on a whim, chased dogs four times her size down at the dog park, always down for a hike. Now she has to learn how to walk again, and she’s incontinent, but she survived. And she’s doing so good. She’s so brave, and she’s walking, and I have to reach down and pick her up every couple of steps so she can go a few feet on her own before she falls over again, but she’s learning. She’s strong. And it’s killing us, but what else can we do?
Anyway…I caught her poop on the couch today before it made contact, and I count that as a win. Thanks for reading, and thanks for writing, Drew. Big fan.
February 2, 2020 — 1:12 am
Pedantic Comment says:
+1 for your very good doggo
February 2, 2020 — 9:54 am
bigblueballs says:
Damn
February 2, 2020 — 10:34 am
Stevie Ray Palpatine says:
“Whatever it takes.”
I think y’all are good dog parents.
February 2, 2020 — 3:08 pm
Garfield Thelonius Remington III says:
+1
February 3, 2020 — 12:18 pm
Mitch Thunderstrike says:
Bro, no foolies, but I watched a woman do this maneuver the other day while I was waiting at an intersection. I thought that shit was crazy. Her hand was right up under that hot butthole. Chase your dreams though Drew.
February 2, 2020 — 1:51 am
Mitchell Clingman says:
Prove It
February 2, 2020 — 9:10 am
Turd Ferguson says:
I had to execute this maneuver once in an emergency.
After disemboweling a cotton toy and feasting on its innards, my dog tried to take a shit only for the turd to become ensnared in a long chain of cotton hanging out of her asshole. I had to scissor and catch using two junk postcards from the mail we were getting together while fighting her on the leash as she understandably panicked.
So, glad you got in some practice before fate finds you.
February 2, 2020 — 11:16 am
Ryan says:
I just got a puppy and I’m going to try this. Hope I don’t get heart worm!
February 3, 2020 — 10:00 am
Chappie says:
Go off, King
February 3, 2020 — 11:35 am
gregmintonsteeth says:
Somewhere, in a closet, Najey Davenport is smilling, but focused.
February 4, 2020 — 12:12 pm
biff_wonsley says:
Nice try, Drew. I’m a lifelong Cowboys fan (suck it) and I’m afraid I’ll need more than you catching dog shit with your hand to forget about The goddamn fucking Catch. RIP Dwight Clark, sounds like he was a good man, but fuck you Dwight for making The Catch.
February 7, 2020 — 4:55 pm