I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, we’re through the worst. Not only do figures indicate that we’ve already reached a plateau, but we’re in a marked and sustained decline from the peak. We have successfully flattened the curve. Covid-19 infections? No. WHL Braydens.
The bad news is: the virus is mutating.
Sports are canceled, but the universe has smiled upon us and blessed us with a little taste of normalcy in the form of the Western Hockey League Bantam Draft, regularly the greatest source of names from the western halves of the U.S. and Canada.
Reliably and wonderfully covered each year by the likes of Adam Herman and Sunaya Sapurji, Wednesday’s Draft gives us a window onto what folks were naming their kids 15 years ago, and what the NHL will look like in a decade. (Thanks to the St. Louis Blues, the Stanley Cup is now engraved with a Jaden and a Brayden [WHL Draft class of 2006].)
But it’s not all Braydens and Aidans and Raidens and uh, Teydons. The full draft list is mesmerizing. I don’t know a better way to give you the best than to rank them. Here are the top 24 or so:
24. Tanner Bruender
23. Rhett Ravndahl
22. Eastyn Maddux
21. Mazden Leslie
20. Ashton Cumby
19. Brady Birnie
18. Cade Meiklejohn
17. Bauer Dumanski
16. Saige Weinstein
15. Ryker Singer
14. Florian Wade
13. Zach Zahara
12. Hunter Sawka
11. Kooper Gizowski
10. Foxx McColl
9. Carter Capton
8. Van Eger
7. Omen Harmancy
6. Teydon Trembecky
5. Ephram McNutt
4. Brock Lott
3. Daymiene Peele
2. Joey Lies
1. Truman Wurst
More like Truman Best!
Congratulations to all the Maydyns.
Matt says:
Truman Wurst v Ephram McNutt for the NOTY play-in game.
April 23, 2020 — 9:07 am
Hank Scorpio says:
+1 but they’re still getting destroyed by Dr. Reason Machete
April 23, 2020 — 11:19 am
TheHockeyKnower says:
McNutt!
April 23, 2020 — 9:14 am
DENNYCRANE says:
I really hope this means we’re also getting a Minnesota HS hockey hair report this year.
April 23, 2020 — 9:14 am
Lard_Lad says:
I believe it came out already.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuDeBAYhKO0
April 23, 2020 — 9:56 am
DENNYCRANE says:
YES!!!
April 23, 2020 — 11:44 am
DarrenWilsonReagan says:
It came out and was pretty underwhelming. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuDeBAYhKO0
April 23, 2020 — 10:19 am
Torsloke says:
One assumes many of these parents hoped they had conceived a future hukkeh star which makes it odd to me that there are no Skayten’s or Bladen’s.
April 23, 2020 — 9:17 am
ManWithOneChopstick says:
New website, same failures in ranking. You had a perfect top 3 with Omen, Teydon and Ephram, yet inexplicably kept going.
(P.s. man how we’ve missed you all. So glad to have you back together, even for a short time.)
April 23, 2020 — 9:24 am
Jon says:
Not a Colton amongst them?
April 23, 2020 — 9:30 am
WeegieBruin says:
Bauer Dumanski’s parents were definitely thinking of that sweet, sweet sponsorship money when they named him
April 23, 2020 — 9:42 am
JayBellOfTheBall says:
Eastyn’s parents just couldn’t spell Easton.
April 23, 2020 — 3:56 pm
StVMillay says:
Omen Harmancy is seriously under-valued. That’s an ominous name.
April 23, 2020 — 9:44 am
Thecommentarrorist says:
I’d consider a wager over Dr. Reason Machete…
April 23, 2020 — 2:07 pm
The Mad Pooper says:
Foxx McColl sounds like a stripper who runs a plumbing business during the day
April 23, 2020 — 9:44 am
CoastersPaul says:
+1
April 23, 2020 — 12:57 pm
Kiner's Koroner says:
If Omen makes the NHL, he should be allowed to have the first three-digit number on his sweater.
April 23, 2020 — 9:46 am
basementshow says:
“Uh, I just, like, really like Mario Lemieux and… uh, Al Kaline, ya know?”
April 23, 2020 — 12:50 pm
KC Complains A Lot says:
It’s official; this is the whitest group of names I’ve ever seen in one place. Bravo, WHL.
April 23, 2020 — 9:47 am
Quantumhorse says:
I’ve been waiting impatiently for this UTSB post since Sunaya started tweeting out the names
April 23, 2020 — 9:53 am
Matt says:
Thank you for this A+ world class reporting. I miss this article and your attitudes. May this temporary, unnamed sports blog become permanent and named some day in the future. Or open a patreon or something.
April 23, 2020 — 10:27 am
Treyden says:
I feel attacked.
April 23, 2020 — 10:50 am
Quarantine Idle says:
good luck to Zach Zahara in his quest to outperform Zarley Zalapski and become hockey’s new
ZZ Top
April 23, 2020 — 10:54 am
Erik Lonnrot says:
Is it bad that I actually kind of like that name. Zach is a perfectly normal first name and it’s not like his parents just made of Zahara. Their only real crime is a bit of alliteration. Also he appears to be Canadian so he can be Zed Zed Top.
April 23, 2020 — 11:15 am
RoyalDutchOfDukes says:
It’s bad(and unimaginative) enough to give your kids last names for first names, but Kooper with K? I have to imagine the reasoning for giving kids last names for first names is this daydream that one day they’ll be in some powerful position, a la Wellington Rockafeller or Carrington Bartleby or Fenwick McClintock or some such. I call these ‘soap opera names.’ So there’s this imagined dignity to naming your kid Cooper, and then you just flush it down the toilet by intentionally spelling it wrong, like a 90’s rapper.
Friend of mine told me the other day that an in-law is naming their boy ‘DAXTON.’ It’s the perfect name crime for 2020. They’re clearly naming him after Dax Shepard, the only person of any repute in history with that name. They’re simultaneously reaching for that fake gravitas and acknowledging that the actor’s body of work isn’t noble enough to just straight name their kid after him, by adding the -ton. It’s so obvious they want to call their kid Dax, but they know it’s an embarrassing name, so they figure adding the -ton makes it dignified. It’s like naming the kid Walmartsworth or something. If I ever meet the kid, I will call him ‘Daxt’ and wait for his parents to correct me. OH I’M SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE PROPER NICKNAME WAS SINCE YOU INVENTED THIS TERRIBLE NAME OUT OF THIN AIR
April 23, 2020 — 11:02 am
CoastersPaul says:
Maybe they’re just huge Paper Mario fans?
April 23, 2020 — 12:58 pm
BoredEsq says:
There are actually now three Bauers in the draft, because Eastyn Maddux and Kooper Gizowski are now re-named Bauer. Just like my favorite player entering the draft next. year, Jofa Rbk Shinguards is now just CCM CCM Shinguards, and kinda sucks a bit more than he used to.
April 23, 2020 — 11:44 am
Hayden Brayden Layden the third says:
This is an underrated comment.
+1 Jofa 235
April 23, 2020 — 12:33 pm
biff_wonsley says:
Kooper Gizowski better be pronunced jizz-owski.
April 23, 2020 — 5:14 pm
Emma says:
Omen Harmancy is… amazing
April 23, 2020 — 12:50 pm
darklynn says:
I’m so happy that I’m seeing my fav deadspin posts again. this is so great. I don’t have a clever comment.
April 23, 2020 — 1:00 pm
nacho says:
Truman Wurst is a football name imho.
April 23, 2020 — 1:42 pm
James says:
These are the western Canadian versions of “Bobson Dugnutt” and “Sleve McDichael.”
April 23, 2020 — 1:46 pm
Erik Lonnrot says:
Yep. Also if you told me those two were baseball prospects I would 100% believe you.
April 23, 2020 — 2:13 pm
Ephram McNutt says:
Ephram McNutt
April 23, 2020 — 2:29 pm
Alfredo Sauce Griffin says:
This is the content that UTSB was meant to deliver.
April 23, 2020 — 3:31 pm