Here's Your 2020 Name Of The Year Bracket

Tag: super bowl (page 1 of 1)

Here’s Your UTSB Halftime Highlight Roundup

What an electric first half! The Chiefs and 49ers are tied, 10-10, after 30 minutes filled with huge plays and major moments. In case you missed anything, here are the highlights.

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No Offense To The Chiefs But The AFC Is Dogshit

The Patriots are dead. (I know that’s been said before, but it’s true this time! I think. I hope.) But any optimism that the NFL’s larger structural issue of the last generation—that the AFC is mostly garbage and it’s too easy for a decent team to come out of it—should be dampened by the Chiefs’ leisurely stroll to the Super Bowl.

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This Super Bowl Is Far Too Normal

In a Super Bowl run-up almost completely devoid of weirdness, contention, absurdity or ghastliness, it should be come as little surprise that nobody has made a thing of San Francisco shutting down the parade route for the team they no longer have a week ahead of time.

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Hippopotamus Barfs While Picking Super Bowl Winner

Humans have long believed in the psychic powers of animals. “In centuries past, psychics communicated with an animal in order to divine information about a coming event,” says an article about psychic animals I picked out to prove my point. Here’s another one: “In ancient history, cats were known to be able to move from this world to the Spirit World with ease… even up to the present, many people still think of cats as especially gifted with psychic abilities.”

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Introducing Scrimmage Ratio And Why It Says The Niners Will Beat The Chiefs

At many, many points this weekend, you will hear about how the Super Bowl will be won in the trenches. You’ll hear it during the pregame in between James Brown throwing it to a special commentary from Lou Dobbs. You’ll hear it during the game from Troy Aikman, because Aikman is a living soundboard of football clichés (“Tell you what Joe, someone needs to step up here”). And you’ll hear it during the postgame as the winning team gets bukkake’d by confetti. I glaze over that strain of commentary every time because A) it’s always been a fundamental given in this sport, and B) I can see, with my own two eyes, who’s winning in the trenches. I saw it all through the Niners’ playoff run, when Raheem Mostert was already four yards downfield before a defender even got to shake his hand. Their dominance along both lines was obvious. But then I thought to myself… can’t there be a stat for that?

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You Shouldn’t Get The Monday After The Super Bowl Off

Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo ran every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew’s book here.

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Let’s Do Some Blogs

Welcome to the Unnamed Temporary Sports Blog. You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.

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