The NFL draft existed for 74 years as a synecdoche of the NFL itself: uptight, staid, formal, and less interesting than its TV ratings would suggest. 2010’s third-overall pick, Gerald McCoy, disrupted those decades of decorum when instead of accepting a hearty handshake from Roger Goodell, he instead enveloped the commissioner with a mighty bear hug—and set the tone for management-labor practices among the league’s newest, newest hires. For a while, at least.
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Illustration by Tom Ley
As much as the NFL Draft eats at the human soul and emits sulfur and methane in its wake, we may not have given sufficient thought to what happens when it ends.
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screenshot via ESPN
The NFL draft has always been objectively one of the more stupid spectacles on the sports calendar. Even those who consider themselves real freaks for the event, the people who spend the preceding weeks consuming as many mock drafts as possible, can’t help but admit the truth to themselves once the first round nears its end.
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Illustration by Chris Thompson
While Comrade Roth is trying to decide whether to love Alex Rodriguez as his new baseball overlord and Comrade Magary is pretending to be a meth-crazed Heidi Klum, the rest of us are watching the National Football League twitching hysterically about a draft that will be either hilariously surreal or depressingly mundane–I mean, more depressingly mundane.
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Illustration by Tom Ley
The NFL, which believes all of its players are troops and every employee in the league office is a federal officer, is preparing to conduct its first ever virtual draft on Thursday. Naturally, the logistical change for the front-office executives has led to this:
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Art by Chris Thompson
Although right now people are supposed to stay inside as much as they can, dogs still have to go on regular walks in order to stretch their legs, as well as pee and poop. Please use good judgment when taking those pooches outside. Don’t let them off-leash in the park so they can play with a football.
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Courtesy of the Chargers
We’re still pretending there’s gonna be an NFL season, which means that there’s still gonna be a draft this week and that teams such as the Chargers, Browns, and Bucs are all unveiling “new” uniforms to get fans creaming their jeans for the season ahead. It’s a new team. A new start. A new ERA.
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On April 9, 2020, I saw this video of Jameis Winston doing some sort of drill:
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Illustration by Tom Ley
The NFL Draft has always been a bit of a fraud that everyone buys into because in our wounded culture being a general manager seems like the most fun in the world. It’s how from the original fantasy draft–of American Football League players in a bar in Oakland in the early ’60s–through rotisserie leagues and now to fantasy everything, we hate reality to the point where we elevate fantasy to feel like we’re party of something we’re not part of at all. As fans, we are wallets with feet, and now with shelter-in-place, we are just empty plastic chairs facing a field.
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