Humans have long believed in the psychic powers of animals. “In centuries past, psychics communicated with an animal in order to divine information about a coming event,” says an article about psychic animals I picked out to prove my point. Here’s another one: “In ancient history, cats were known to be able to move from this world to the Spirit World with ease… even up to the present, many people still think of cats as especially gifted with psychic abilities.”
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Screencap: WWLTV (YouTube)
Before this weekend’s unending stream of programming proclaiming the greatness of the National Football League, let’s catch up on a truly bizarre story that probably won’t get much mention in the penumbra of the Super Bowl.
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"DSC07201" by All-Pro Reels is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0
At many, many points this weekend, you will hear about how the Super Bowl will be won in the trenches. You’ll hear it during the pregame in between James Brown throwing it to a special commentary from Lou Dobbs. You’ll hear it during the game from Troy Aikman, because Aikman is a living soundboard of football clichés (“Tell you what Joe, someone needs to step up here”). And you’ll hear it during the postgame as the winning team gets bukkake’d by confetti. I glaze over that strain of commentary every time because A) it’s always been a fundamental given in this sport, and B) I can see, with my own two eyes, who’s winning in the trenches. I saw it all through the Niners’ playoff run, when Raheem Mostert was already four yards downfield before a defender even got to shake his hand. Their dominance along both lines was obvious. But then I thought to myself… can’t there be a stat for that?
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Illustration: Chris Thompson
On Thursday, the NBA announced the All-Star reserves for its startlingly convoluted February showcase, and among the familiar names—Damian Lillard, Russell Westbrook, and Kyle Lowry, for example—was a new one by way of South Florida. Miami’s Bam Adebayo will be making his first appearance at the All-Star Game this season, officially confirming what anyone who has watched the Heat during this pleasant surprise of a season has known for a while: the 22-year-old big man is already a star, and his team’s most important player, if not its best.
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The whole world is getting ready for the Big Game on Sunday! On what’s basically become an unofficial holiday, families and friends from all over will gather ‘round to watch two evenly matched competitors go at each other for 60 minutes, with only one team victorious when all is said and done.
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For more than three decades, my friends have giggled at me while recounting the time they saw me get destroyed by Sam Kinison for being an idiot heckler. I’ve retold the tale myself to pretty much everybody I’ve ever met. Now, after all these years, I’ve finally found it on tape.
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Illustration by Chris Thompson
Morris Berger’s tenure as offensive coordinator of Grand Valley State University has ended after a whopping 11 days. Berger, who’d been a quality control assistant at Oklahoma State for two years, was hired by Division II GVSU on January 20; on January 27 Grand Valley suspended him indefinitely, pending an investigation; on January 30, Berger resigned, having coordinated zero offense. So what the fuck happened? In a January 23 interview with the Grand Valley Lanthorn, Berger was asked what three historical figures he’d like to meet over dinner; Berger used the occasion to open up about his admiration for the leadership qualities of Adolf Hitler.
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"American Flags" by Dricker94 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0
This weekend’s NFC Champion 49ers team is brought to you by general manager and former All-Pro safety John Lynch. Lynch was hired directly from the TV booth after Niners owner and way too chatty Uber driver Jed York ousted former GM Trent Baalke. Lynch’s hiring felt like a sick joke at the time: a transparent white flag from York after he had successfully uprooted his team from San Francisco proper and plunked them down in a glorified remodeling of Sun Devil Stadium. But Lynch steadily loaded the Niners up with talent along both sides of the line of scrimmage, and now his organization is playing in a Super Bowl, well ahead of the rebuilding schedule.
HOWEVER, this warp-speed success does not fully redeem Lynch. This profile of the man written by Bryan Curtis over at The Ringer contains one story that proves Lynch should be chained up in Hell:
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